(The following below covers age Age 28 - 30)
So on July 6, 2010 I submitted another set of questions to the "Channeling Erik" blog. I was asking about DJ's passing. I wanted to know if he approved of how I handled it. I wanted to know if he was upset at anyone for choices made over his condition and the choice made to take him off the ventilator.
Also I was curious of my past life at the time. So I wanted to know what my past life name was, what year it was during the past life, where I lived during that past life, what line of work I was in and where I died. It was a tall order, but I was curious. Boy was I shocked to hear the answers.
My last question had to do with my curiosity about space and other races. So I asked about other planets out there if there were other races, and if we choose, could we live a past or future lifetime on another planet. To experience life on another planet. The question I came up with after reading about this little girl who had memory of a past life spent on another planet where she was a queen and said her people were trying to contact her via telepathy. So those were my questions this time around.
Elisa: Okay, Erik, the last Ask Erik questions come from our regular. Remember Stanley?
Erik: Yeah, I do. From California.
Elisa: Exactly. He wants to talk about D.J. also known as Darien. He died at age 40 from cystic fibrosis in a hospital in Redding. Here’s the situation. He was very ill and had signed a directive not to be resuscitated, but in a panic when he couldn’t breathe he asked the doctors the put him on the ventilator. Unfortunately, he forgot to sign a form stating that if there was no hope in weaning him from the ventilator, they could take him off. The doctors woke him up and asked him if he wanted to live, and he said yes. Stanley knew D.J.’s wishes so well that he argued with the medical staff for several days. Finally, the doctors agreed and took him off life support since there was really no hope of ever getting off the ventilator. Stanley wants to know if this was the way D.J. wanted it to be handled.
Erik: Yes, yes. He just got real scared at the end; he knew his life was ebbing away, I mean, his earthly life.
Elisa: Yeah, I understand.
Erik: And he was depending on Stanley to carry out his wishes. If he had to do it all over again, I think Stanley would have insisted much earlier to not prolong the agony. It was agonizing at the end.
Elisa: For whom?
Erik: Well for D.J. of course, but Stanley too. It’s kind of like ladies that want a natural childbirth, but then they scream for an epidermal NOW!
Erik: Oh, you know what happened? D.J.’s angels went to Stanley and told him, “Nobody else was going to stand up and demand this so you need to do it!” They kind of pushed him to do it. And D.J. is telling me, “Thank you, thank you for that. It would have been awful, even more awful, if Stanley hadn’t done what he did.” Took a lot of strength and courage for Stanley to do that. Wow. Wow!
Elisa: He’d also like to know if there are beings on other planets.
Erik: Yes and in other dimensions.
Elisa: I know we’re running out of time so can you tell me about Stanley’s last lifetime?
Erik: I had to get this from his guides. Vietnam, their saying. Huh. Female. Nurse. 1963, ‘64, ‘65, ‘66, ‘67…Killed by, um…wow! She was captured by the North Vietnamese.
Elisa: Was she American?
Erik: Yep. A girl from California, the L.A. area. She was like 22, 23 when she first got there. She was a young nurse who wanted devote her life to those who…in college she was in the Peace Corp. Very altruistic. Anyway, she was captured by the North Vietnamese in ’66. Actually she was taken to the Hanoi Hilton and questioned, but they figured out she didn’t know anything, so she was used as a pawn to get the soldiers to talk, the other captives. They threatened her with all sorts of physical torture if she didn’t get them to talk. She got an illness and died there. It was a…I don’t understand what they’re saying.
Elisa: In 1967?
Erik: Yes, in late ’67. Oh, she died of malaria.
Kim (The woman doing the channeling): Why did she die of malaria? Don’t they have shots for that sort of thing?
Erik: Hell, no, not in the Hanoi Hilton! She also had dysentery. Terrible toward the end. She willed herself to die.
Elisa: What was her name?
Elisa: Okay, thanks Erik. This sounds like a life Stanley would have had.
Erik: Yeah, it does. Oh and Mom, I want you to know I like doing this. It’s fun for me, and I feel like I’m making things right, making up for what I did and more. I know you’ve been worried that I’m being taken advantage of, but it’s not like that at all. It’s all cool with me. You know I wanted to do this from the start.
Elisa: Aw, that’s good, Sweetie. You are helping so many people out there, including me!
The information was indeed enlightening. And it really helped to know DJ was happy how I handled the situation. That I did make the right choices with his care. And with letting him go. It was indeed very difficult being the one pushing for them to let him die. Sure it was DJ's wishes, but I still felt horrible pushing for my friends death. It did help though knowing it's what he wanted, and that he's not suffering any further.
As for the information about my past life, it gave some clues about problems with the PTSD in this lifetime. It explains why the psych ward effected me so much. Why being locked in the solitary room effected me so much as well. It's because it related to some of my experiences with being held prisoner at the Hanoi Hilton. Being hurt by the hospital staff mirrored being injured by the North Vietnamese. The solitary rooms mirrored the prison cells. And so on. Which could be why the hospital abuse caused the PTSD.
The abuse at home and school was also bad but didn't cause the PTSD. That's my thoughts about it anyway. No way to know for sure if my past life's experience was what fueled the PTSD. But it's a guess based on the facts. In the end, even without the past life experience, the psych ward abuse would have given anyone PTSD.
I was contacted in end of July by National Geographic. They wanted to know if I would be willing to take part in a documentary about adult babies. I have been open to those around me about my AB side so I figured why not. After they talked with other adult babies that were interested they decided to go with me.
So then they told me about some of the things they wanted to film and asked me about a high chair. I told them about designs I had on the back burner. It never got very far as I didn't have the cash to see it through. They told me if I was willing to build the high chair, they would pay for the supplies. I couldn't turn that down. I had been wanting my own high chair for a very long time.
So I faxed over a copy of the plans for it. They approved it and sent me over $250.00 to make and paint the first adult baby high chair they wanted me to make. They wanted me to make 2 of them. The idea being to build and have totally ready one high chair so we can start taping with it right away, and just film the second one being put together. Also building the first one helped me iron out mistakes as it was the first high chair so the second one was made easier.
They confirmed the dates they wanted to shoot which was August 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st 2010. I got the high chair finished and painted with 2 days to spare. The film crew arrived at 2pm on the first day of filming.
They had wanted to shoot me and another AB doing a play date, but sadly we were not able to find anyone else to come over for a play date in time. But there was plenty of other things to film so we really didn’t need it all that much. So let’s see if I can remember everything we did.
On the first day, they filmed a interview with me, and one with Sandra. It took a bit doing the interviews because kids outside playing was being picked up in the microphone so we had to wait for them to be quiet again. Even the AC and fans had to be turned off because the microphones were that sensitive.
Then they filmed us doing site work for www.bedwettingabdl.com on the computers. They filmed Sandra doing her “Ask Mommy” and “Ask A Mom” questions for the www.bedwettingabdl.com website. Then they filmed the process of making the diaper tapes we make. We discussed about the crib and high chair plans that are sold on the site.
Later that evening we filmed getting the wood and all to make the high chair at my local Lowe's hardware store. That took 4 hours all by itself to film. They shot many things from 2 or 3 different angles. Then they had me pick something off the shelf, put it back and take it back off again a few times at different speeds of movement and such. I guess so they could choose what shot to use. So it makes sense to take several shots of the same thing to have plenty to choose from. It was quite labor intensive.
It took awhile because they had a high def camera so it took a while to set the camera up before we could actually start. The producer also paid another $250.00 or so for the supplies of the second high chair as well. So I didn’t have to pay for anything for the two chairs. That was nice. Been wanting to make the high chair for quite some time. And that was it for that day.
The second day we did some shoots in the garage filming me sanding, drilling and all with putting the second high chair together. It was a little hard because they had the garage door open a little for better light, and people walking by would see the camera and lights and would poke their head in, or start talking while we were trying to film. It was a bit annoying like after the 5th take of the same scene. But that’s the way it is, someone sees a camera and has to get into it. So it took longer having to reset when someone started talking, asking questions and such.
Later we did a scene on the sofa where Sandra did a spoon feeding of a jar of baby food. Then they filmed me cooking a dinner of shells, sauce and hamburger mixed together. That took awhile because if they missed me stirring or adding something they would have me do it again. There was 2 takes of me just taking the meat out of the fridge among other retakes.
After it was done we switched and set up in the living room with the high chair. They asked me to wear my sleeper to help it feel more babyish. It was hot having that sleeper on in 90 degree summer weather. So we kept the fans and AC on till the last possible second before the camera was turned on to stay cool.
So I sat in the high chair while Sandra handed me the food and we ate while I was wearing my sleeper. That took about 4 takes, plus they did a few still shots with a digital camera. After we got the shots, Jeremy (the producer) and Geoff (the camera guy) both took turns sitting in the high chair posing for pictures like they were being fed. One picture I have is of Jeremy feeding Geoff a spoon of food. We did get some time to goof off and all between scenes. After that we called it a night.
The third day the crew arrived again around 3pm and Jeremy handed me a set of jumper cables. That morning we were having problems with the battery in the car. We had to call our roadside service to give us a jump to get back home. It turned out the battery that was in the car when we bought it was 10 years old, and was only rated for 3. So it was seriously failing.
On average we could only start the car two times per day or the battery would die if you tried to start it again. We just didn’t have the money for a new battery at the time. So I called Jeremy and asked him if he had cables in his rental car just in case we needed a jump. He didn’t have to, but he went out and got a set of jumper cables for us. It was very nice of him, he really didn’t have to do that.
Anyway, on the third day we filmed me in the nursery doing a few things like a mini tour of the nursery. We did a shot with the play pen in the room with me inside playing with Lego’s. We did one with me in the living room in the play pen playing with Playdoh. After that shoot Geoff got in the play pen to try it out and played with Playdoh. Then we packed up around 6pm to go and film the shot at the local park.
Normally I go at 6am when they just open and no one is there. So I can play on the play set without anyone watching and pointing. Well they needed to film during good sunlight hours. So we went at 6pm. On the way we stopped at the gas station to refuel.
Jeremy again shocked me by telling us to refuel our van as well. We were almost on E. It cost $55.00 to fill the tank. Jeremy didn’t have to do that. Hell 2 gallons would have been enough for the two places we would have had to go to finish filming other than the house. It was very nice of him.
Anyway, after we finished getting gas we headed over to the park. It was still VERY busy. So we filmed a few shots of me just driving up and walking out of the shot to the swings. That took 3 takes to film due to the kids wanting to know if we were from one of the news stations or something. But the park was still very busy even after that. Jeremy wanted the shot anyway. So I did something I don’t like doing, I played in front of people.
Jeremy had everyone step out of the shot and he filmed me once again driving up, getting out and going to swing. The swinging took like 8 takes if I remember right. It was difficult because everyone was watching me. It made it hard to let the baby side come out in front of so many people.
I am not even sure I smiled at all I was so nervous. I am not much for a crowd. But it was a crowd with all eyes on me, so that made it difficult, nearly impossible to get into the baby mind set. I couldn’t be happier when he called cut and we packed up. Hopefully it was usable.
So from there we took a dinner break for a hour. We ate and Sandra needed to lay down and rest for a few hours. So while she was sleeping the crew returned and we continued filming. For this they filmed me in the room again, this time on the floor in the sleeper playing with Puppy and some Lego’s. Making like Puppy was eating the Lego’s and all.
Geoff accidentally tapped me in the head with the camera twice…..haha. He was trying to do a shot moving along me from my feet to my head, but he was too low. The second try he barely touched my head and caught my hair as he passed over. I am sure it wasn’t easy holding that heavy camera in that position. The camera looked hella heavy. He wore one of those braces that connected to the camera to take some of the weight.
From there we set up again in the living room floor to do a similar scene, this time playing with army men and trucks staging a play war. From there they filmed me in the high chair in the room as a baby with puppy on my shoulder. By this time Sandra had woken up so we set up a mock bed time.
Sandra was in her bed, me in my sleeper laying back on her with me drinking a bottle of apple juice while she read me a story. From there I got in bed and they filmed me in the crib from a few angles. Then they had Sandra came in and she tucked me in, sang a lullaby and then turned off the light in the room on the way out.
Then we did a mock morning where she came in, woke me up and went from there. Jeremy asked if I ever walked around in a diaper and T-shirt normally. I said when it’s just me and Sandra ya. But it’s taken me knowing Sandra for almost 8 years before I was comfortable enough to do that. We called a night with that. But I said I really didn’t feel like doing something like that on camera. But he asked me to think it over anyway. And he and the crew left for the night.
On the 4th day they had us meet them at the supermarket they lined up to shoot me doing the monthly food shopping. Jeremy told me to shop like I normally did. He said National Geographic will be picking up the bill. I was a bit shocked, but still I wasn’t going to take advantage and start just grabbing up everything. I’m not like that. He filmed me getting a shopping cart, picking out some food.
It was a little difficult because the store was active while we were shooting. We had people walking in the shot, kids screaming so we had several re-takes. We almost lost Geoff during one when he accidentally backed into a isle display he didn’t see.
We went down the baby isle as well getting a package of size 5 (the largest they had) pack of Luvs that I use as diaper doublers to boost absorbency of the adult diapers. He had me pick it up 4 different times, place it in the cart and walk out of the shot. Same with the pacifier and jars of baby food as well.
We got to the meat section where he asked me to get the things we used to make the dinner the other night. He then pointed out the steaks I passed up due to the price and told me to get some if I wanted. But I felt $40.00 was way too much to spend, even on someone else’s dime.
He insisted it was ok. He seemed a bit bothered that I wasn’t taking advantage of the situation. Sorry, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. So we picked out a few other things and went to check out.
The total for the food was like $320.00 something dollars. Sadly the store we shopped at, the prices for items were double to triple the price at say a place like Wal-mart or Winco so we can’t afford to shop there other than that one time. But Jeremy just couldn’t get permission from Wal-mart or Winco.
So we had to find a privately owned location, and that meant higher prices. I just felt a little bad for having gotten so much. But Jeremy said it was perfectly fine. Still though, he didn’t have to do that. I had no problem going very cheaply.
From there we came home, and they helped me unload the car and put things away. Then we filmed me and Sandra coloring with me in a diaper and T-shirt and finally some last minute shots of me in my room playing and something Jeremy called a “Hero Shot” of me standing still for several minutes in regular street clothes, and then a shot in a diaper and T-shirt.
Then they packed up to head to Sheela Stocks (my old therapist) for her interview about the psychological side of why someone would be a adult baby and then they moved on to their next shooting. That was about it. I do have some pictures from the taping HERE. And you can see pictures of the high chair by going "HERE". And according to Jeremy the AB "Taboo" episode is due to air in June or July 2011.
And in the beginning of November 2010 we were finally able to pay off the minivan we got when the car my mom gave us died. So now that $140.00 can go to other things. There's a few things on the list such as Sandra needing some new glasses as Medi-cal no longer covers eye glasses. It's crazy. But at least the car is fully paid off now, so that's nice.
On December 15th 2010 I am sad to say I slipped and self injured. It was a rough day. SSI cut my checks from them from $268.00 down to $150.00 because I was able to find work as a in home health aid one hour a day with someone who didn't mind working around the depression, PTSD and my other issues. Something few others jobs would be willing to do. Then there was the flat tire when I had to turn in the in home health care time sheet. I ended up just airing up the tire and hoping the air leaking out would last long enough to go there and back. The tire somehow got a nail on the inside wall of the tire facing the gas tank under the car. Strange place to get a puncture.
Then there was the new management company who changed the time for to pay the rent from the 5th latest to 4:30PM on the 3rd. That a problem because my SSI check comes in on the afternoon of the 3rd in the mail. So I have to wait for the mail which comes around 3:00PM. Then I have to rush to the check cashing store to stand in line with everyone else who just got their check.
Then because there is no longer a on site office, I have to drive 15 minutes on the freeway to the next town over leaving me with 5-10 minutes to run up the stairs to the office which has no elevator to take to the second floor to pay the rent. There were other issues as well, but it was all just too much and that evening I couldn't take it anymore and self injured. Prior to this self injury, I had been able to resist for 13 months. So I didn't beat myself up too much as going that long was quite good for me.
Overall I have not lost focus on working on my gifts/abilities. I still have been working on enhancing my ability to heal and have been able to increase how fast I can get results from 30 seconds down to 15 seconds before the person can begin feeling a difference. So that's good. My empathing has been getting better as well. In addition to picking up on someone's emotions, I have started to be able to get images as well.
For example, if someone is sharing with me about a childhood memory, in addition to picking up on emotions tied to that childhood memory, I can sometimes also see the room or location where the memory occurred. Right now it appears that getting images are more of a random event. I have not been able to control when a active connection with someone includes images. I am sure practice will help.
Right now since about November/December of 2010 to mid March 2011, I have been working on Astral Projection or OBE (Out Of Body Experience). Basically you go into deep meditation and encourage your spirit to separate from your body. At first I could only raise my Astral arms a few inches while my main body stayed in place. I realized that every time I got close to leaving the body I would get scared and would lose it.
With some practice getting used to the stage where you just begin to Astral I have been able to work through my fear of letting go of my body and was enjoying the end result. My first successful exit of my body occurred in mid February. I was able to float up to my ceiling. I wasn't able to move my astral body parts or see, but I could feel that I was very close to the ceiling. Like how when you stand with your nose almost touching a wall that you can feel/tell that there is a solid object in front of you.
2 weeks later I was again able to exit my body and again float up to the ceiling. This time instead of focusing on being scared of how far I would float up, I noticed I felt my mass expand to 6 or 7 times my normal size. Like being unwrapped from a blanket and able to extend my arms and legs out. It was quite the experience.
Then a month later, first week of March 2011 I was able to use my astral eyes. This time I again floated up to the ceiling, but I made the attempt to move away from my body's location. I reached in the direction of my room door, grabbed my door handle and pulled as hard as I could. I could see the layout of my room around me.
When I looked back I could see my blanket on the floor and my bed that is against the wall, the foot end had pulled away from the wall and was pointed in the direction of my bedroom door. It was as if I had stretched out and my feet were connected to my bed and somehow pulling it. Trying to think about what was going on I lost concentration and returned to my body. When I got up my room was as it should be. Nothing out of place.
I still don't get why in astral why the foot of my bed would move in the direction I was working to move in. But I guess I need to take baby steps and do one little thing at a time. But all in all I have been very proud of myself to make sure progress in such a short amount of time. I was told that it normally takes years of practice to do this, so I am surprised that I have been able to reach such advancement so swiftly.
However my success in learning to use my gifts in not without struggles in other area's of my life. Lately, say since the end of January to March 2011 I have been having problems with my PTSD flashbacks. Where normal flashbacks I am more or less used to, well as used to as one can get, I have been having something new occur.
Let me see if I can explain this right. I can be watching TV, working on the computer, driving to the store or doctors or whatever and what will happen is I will see the solitary restraint rooms ("Time Out" as the hospitals called it) of the children's psych wards I was sent to as punishment by my mom while I was a child will be overlayed on the current environment. Like two images over each other. I can still see both images when it's going on.
Like I can still see the road in front of me and cars that I KNOW are the real images while also seeing the walls, doors, window, bed in the middle of the solitary room around me that I know isn't really happening. It's a strange experience. When I am driving I try to pull over as soon as I can and wait for it to stop. I have never heard of this before with PTSD. So with this new kind of flashback (for lack of a better description) makes it harder to try to ignore the abuse of my past with it's right there in my face like that.
Although I can say that just as I think I cannot go any farther, some help comes my way. While reading a newspaper website, I read about a mental health center in Round Mountain California got a grant and was taking new patients. I had my first appointment there on April 4th 2011. It was pretty cool actually.
My new therapist is a PTSD specialist who had PTSD also. My therapist is open minded to the whole Indigo and Walk-In experiences. The therapist meditates as well and has read the same self harm book put out by S.A.F.E Alternatives that I read when I was trying to quite self injury. Basically, we fit REALLY well. It's very difficult for me to find a therapist I mesh with, and here was a good one, right when I needed it. So I am going to be going every Monday.
Although I had to cancel a few appointments after our second visit. On the April 11th therapist appointment I had a interesting situation on the way home. This gets a bit wild if your into the whole Karma thing. So before I got on the freeway for the hour each way drive to Round Mountain, I stopped at Jiffy Lube to check my tires. But after I left Jeffy Lube, I still kept getting this nagging "something's not right" feeling. But I couldn't figure out what it was.
On the way back home the rear drivers side tire exploded off the rim. There was a big bang and then when it exploded I lost control of the rear of the car and began to fishtail. Thankfully Sandra’s power wheelchair was in the back at the time adding a extra 450 pounds of weight to the back of the van. I am sure had that weight not been back there, I would have lost total control for sure and gotten into a major accident. I have heard so many stories about these types of blow outs causing severe accidents. So I feel lucky that I was able to get control and safely pull off the road without flipping the van or hitting any other cars on the road. That I am so very thankful for that.
Problem was, the spare I had was already on the car. So I was stranded without a spare. We have a road side service but because I was up in the mountain area there was no cell phone signal. And to make it worse, car after car just passed by with only a glance. So because the side of the road was gravel with a deep ditch off the side, I pulled into this guys driveway to his ranch so I wouldn’t be blocking traffic and would be in a safer spot.
Sitting there not knowing what I could do, I just kept moving my cell phone hoping to get a signal, and praying that I would have enough money to be able to pay for the extra miles as our road side service we get free with our car insurance only will tow a car 15 miles, and I was at 25 with only $25.00 in cash on me. So yea, I was on the upset side.
Then I saw this truck come driving down from the ranch. He stopped and asked if he could help. Having a spare at home he offered to drive me home, then to Wal-mart to get the tire on the rim and then back out to my car.
I don’t normally get in cars with people I don’t know. It’s dangerous. But my luck, I happened to break down on the ranch of a retired 30 year vet of the California Highway Patrol. Man, couldn’t be getting into a safer car to be driven into town than a retired cop. My angels were for sure looking over me.
Ok, my angels couldn’t do anything about the tire, but at least they made sure it happened where it did, and just when the officer and his wife just happened to be going to Redding a few blocks from my house, and also including going to Wal-mart to do their errands.
So I get to Wal-mart with the tire and they say they won’t mount the spare on the rim because of cracks in the rubber tire. My heart sank as I didn’t have $100.00 for a new tire. All I had was the $25.00 left from paying the bills. And no credit cards or anything. Glenn, the retired cop offers to not just pay for a tire and have me pay him back at $5.00 a month for as long as it takes, but he has me go home and wait while he gets the tire done and run a few other errands.
Well first, I told him I would pay him back the whole amount as soon as I get paid on the 3rd of May. He went above and beyond by having me wait at home comfortable while he got the new tire put on the rim when he was done with his errands. Then he drove me back out to my car and helped me change the tire.
I was just so very moved by how far this man, who didn’t know me, let a stranger get into his car and not just drive me home, but got me a brand new tire. And being able to weight at home, I was able to take some badly needed pain med's as I didn’t have extra with me as I didn’t expect to be breaking down. Then to also drive me back out to my car and help me fix the tire. I was so happy that I was able to find help so far out in the middle of no where and have this man pay for a new tire for me out of his own pocket.
Because I was so shocked by the look of the tire, I had to take pictures. I had never seen a tire explode like that, that wasn’t on a big rig. Car tires are supposed to pop, not explode. So here’s those two pictures.
Side of the tire facing away from the car:
So thinking that was all I would have to deal with this month, but nope. On April 14th Sandra had to be taken to the ER by ambulance. For two days before the 14th, she was feeling dizzy and sick. Thinking it was perhaps the flu. Anyway, on the morning of the 14th, I just didn't get a good feeling from her. I told her I was taking her to the hospital. When she couldn't even stand up from the bed I knew something was seriously wrong.
So I called a ambulance to help get her to the hospital since she couldn't walk. Sadly a AMR (American Medical Response) ambulance was sent. So that was VERY triggering of flashbacks. Anyway, they got her in the ambulance and to the hospital.
I got there they were still running tests. So I had to wait in the waiting room for awhile. 2 1/2 hours waiting I was let in. Tests would say that the wound on her stomach somehow got infected and the wound went septic. Which was the reason for all of her symptoms. Her heart rate was erratic, chest pain and Cellulitis of the left ankle to boot. She was moved up to the ICU.
On the second day I came up for my morning visit. While she was in the ICU I was coming up twice a day. The doctor informed me that she had a heart attack overnight. Thankfully it was minor in that she was able to hold a conversation, know who everyone was and so forth. But the heart attack left her VERY tired. Which was expected.
Sandra shared with me something about the day she had her heart attack in the ICU. She said for a moment she was dead. She recalls her out of body experience. She told me she left her body and found herself standing in front of Pam (my AB mommy I met in New York). Sandra says neither her or Pam spoke a word. Only that Pam's facial expression said it all. She said the face was a "You can't leave yet. You can't leave Stanley alone" kind of look she said. So she says she came back to her body to stay with me.
All I can say is I am so grateful she made the choice not to take this exit point. Grateful that Sandra choose to stay with me, even if that meant the long road to recovery from the sepsis infection, heart attack and Cellulitis to do it. She could easily had chosen to leave and go to heaven. But she instead choose to stay to be with me so I didn't have to be alone. Nothing I can say or do can express how thankful I am for her choosing to stay.
A week later she was moved to a regular room. But two days later she was brought back to the ICU overnight for excessive bleeding. Apparently they gave her too much blood thinner and the nurse found her bed covered in blood.
Finally another week later she was, for the most part, stable. The sepsis infection had cleared up. And the Cellulitis was on the way to clearing up as well. And a few more days later began her rehab. They wanted to make sure she could stand before she can go home. They moved her to the edge of the bed, but she just couldn't bare weight on her feet. She had been in bed for a little over 2 weeks solid and her legs had lost the strength. So now began working to strengthen her leg muscles.
During the beginning of her 3rd week the Taboo episode on National Geographic came out called "Fantasy Lives". It turned out pretty good. Me and Sandra both felt they did a real good job putting all the scenes together. And for the most part, it described how it really is role playing as a baby. Not like the TV shows such as Jerry Springer and the Tyra Banks show who basically poked fun of the adult baby guests. For anyone who didn't get the chance to see it when it aired, I have it posted on Youtube.com (CLICK HERE TO SEE VIDEO)
With the airing of the show, now everyone who saw it wanted a interview. Calls and e-mails came pouring in. I did several interviews over that week. I did a phone interview with a magazine in Australia. Then I got a request from a magazine that's put out in Australia and Britain who is based in Los Angeles California.
They sent up a camera guy who took over 500 pictures to use in the magazine as well as a phone interview a few days later. The Australian/British magazine company based in Los Angeles also donated a $200.00 check to this site going to keep it going and keep it free of charge for all users.
I also did a very short radio interview with station 104.5 WSNX Morning After located in West Michigan. You can listen to the phone interview by clicking HERE. Then the channel 7 news (KRCR Redding) sent over Boris Sanchez. Boris visited me a few months before about a story regarding Shasta County Mental Health not giving services. He did his interview that aired on Thursday May 12th starting at the 5:30pm news broadcast. I have a link to channel 7's new story HERE. Shortly after, channel 12 news (NBC 24 Chico) wanted a interview which aired on Friday May 13th. That station sent out reporter Bryan Callahan. It was only supposed to be about a hour interview. He had a lot of questions. After the interview we ended up just chit chatting. You can read the article and see a video of the interview by going HERE.
On Monday May 16th, I did a phone interview with radio channel 102.1 The Edge in Toronto Canada. The DJ of the morning show says there will be no jokes or made fun, they just want to understand it. So that morning I did the interview at 6:30am PST. I believe it was 3 hours later time difference for Toronto. Anyway the interview went well. Yea some jokes were made, but nothing too over the top. It IS radio after all. But what happened after I hung up and turned up the live feed was anything BUT friendly joking.
After I hang up, I hear this "Wait for it, I'm waiting for it, god damn freak!" then some laughing and then One of the DJ's says to the other "I know you so well" and repeats the head DJ's comment to me doing the show "Your so brave sir, your so brave sir". Then the head DJ says "He's a god damn freak is what he is. Freakiest freak that ever freaked. Freak with a capital F. Couple of 9's and a 10. Golly." Then he mimic's me "Just trying to get the word out that it's totally normal. oooookkkkk you freak."
After some more laughing he says "I mean I get the incontinence thing if your going to piss yourself yea for sure I get it but. Although Playdoh man is pretty sweet. You got a point, maybe he's not a freak. Maybe he's found something we all should be doing." Some say "yeah you never know".
Then he says "Tomorrow your going to come in and act like a baby all day. Your going to wear a diaper in here. A crazy tight shirt. We'll be good to him. You can play, you can do whatever you want. You can sit in the corner and play Lego's, Sit off in the corner and play blocks. Bring in like a Play Station in here, a Wii, Some sharp knives. Yep" and they begin to laugh again. "Couple of marbles, a ping pong ball and we'll cover the ping pong ball in sauce and a bottle of Jack. That's what we'll do!". Then they sign off after taking 2 callers.
So far, in addition to all the interviews mentioned above, I have seen the story about me on the Taboo episode pop up all over the place. I just did a search for "Stanley Thornton Taboo" and thousands of sites seem to be running the story. I wasn't the only story on that episode of Taboo. That had a woman with very life like dolls she called "Re-born's", you had a guy who played "Second Life", and a boxer who dressed up as female Anime persons. Just a short list, here are some sites showing the AB part of the story:
Most of the comments online are sadly mean. Mostly about me and Sandra's size. Saying Sandra must masturbate me during diaper changes. Some saying I would be killed where I stand. Some say I should have been aborted at birth. Other say if they see me on the street they will "kick my ass". Some say if I simply had sex with a girl that it would make me a "man" and not want to role play as a baby anymore. Others say if I lost my place to live I would stop role playing as a baby. Some say I am sick, perverted, that mothers should hide their children around me and so on.
But at the same time, I have gotten several e-mails from adult babies and those not even into it supporting me. Those who support me but are not AB basically feel that as long as I am doing in my home, and not hurting myself or others that they see nothing wrong with it. Others say thank you for attempting to try to educate the general public on what role playing as a baby is REALLY about.
It's not just online either. It's also comments in person. The day after the Taboo episode aired, I went to Wal-mart to cash my check. The woman in front of me was with her husband doing a transaction. When she saw me in line, she kept tapping her husband and pointing at me saying to him "Hey, that's him, that's him". After her transaction she came up to me and says "Hey, I love, love, loved your show!" and walked off smiling. Being the person I am, I turned beat red as I have a hard time taking complements. They make me feel weird. Guess I am not used to positive comments.
The woman at Wal-mart was not the last. While visiting Sandra in the hospital, I have had to date 3 more hospital staff mention the show, ask some questions and just basically say as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, they see no problems with it. And a few understand the psychology behind it. That it's simply a way to deal with a abusive childhood in my case.
The only negative in person event so far as a teenager who passed by Sandra's room. The teenage female saw it was Sandra from Taboo, took out her cell phone and began taking pictures of her in her hospital bed. Just plain rude!
So back to Sandra. Now it's been almost 4 weeks in the hospital. On May 12th blood was found in her urine. And not a little. They found she had a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection/AKA Bladder infection) from the catheter. They came to find out that the blood had came from a injury from changing out the catheter in the 3rd week of her hospital stay. The cut inside the bladder was bleeding into the urine. 2 days later though the blood had stopped and the urine was back to it's regular color.
Also in the 4th week of her stay, they changed beds from a standard bed to a more therapy type of bed. The new bed is able to change form from a bed into a chair. The problem was changing beds. The hospital slid a special pad under Sandra that had loops all the way down it. The loops connected to a patient transfer crane. The idea was to lift her up using the crane and set her down on the new bed.
But the new bed sat too low to the floor with no space for the crane's legs to slide under the bed. So what we had to do was go to the foot of the bed and slowly unhook each loop and slide her slowly up the bed. It wasn't easy, and in some parts painful for Sandra. But the pain and the lack of comfort was worth it. The new bed had patient controls. The old bed didn't, leaving Sandra to call a nurse every time she needed to raise or lower her head or feet.
Plus the new bed had extra bars to grab on to during physical therapy. And twice during her 4th week in the hospital she was almost able to lock her knees and stand. She is getting SO close to being able to stand. We are both very positive of her recovery.
Also over Sandra's 4th week (over the weekend of May 14th 2011) in the hospital, the hospital sent over to the house some new hospital equipment to help her finish recovering when she comes home. That included a hospital bed that's more comfortable for her as the other one wasn't made for someone me and Sandra's size. They sent over a manual wheelchair which I don't understand as she has a power wheelchair.
And they brought over the lift they used at the hospital to help move her easier. The lift is capable of lifting over 1,000 pounds, so can lift me and her together and then some if we needed to. So very safe. It will allow me to move her from her bed to a wheelchair or anything else as needed. The hospital staff trained me with the lift. The guy teaching me had me sit down in a chair and even lifted me up with the lift. Was kind of cool actually. So anyway, the hospital says another two weeks at this point and she can come home.
So around the end of May, things got WAY out of control. Up till this point, the press about the Taboo episode had been alright for the most part. However on May 17th a woman from the Washington Times e-mails me asking how I feel hearing that Senator Coburn is reporting me to SSI for social security fraud.
This woman could not have caught me during a more stressful time. With Sandra in the hospital and all, and now this woman asking me how I feel about a guy I don't even know who's going out of his way to get my SSI benefits cut off. I just lost it and told her basically with Sandra on the edge of death, and now this guy trying to take my home, I told her that with my home gone, and if Sandra passed, that I would not have any reason to remain among the living.
I was just feeling quite depressed and suicidal before she e-mailed me. And she pushed me over the edge at the time. Hence my e-mail to her saying if my SSI was taken, I wouldn't want to live anymore. We all say things we didn't mean when upset. And that was the case. But instead of caring, the woman twisted my words to make it sound like some toddler who was being threatened to have his quarter taken away and threatening to hold my breath till I got it back.
My letter was not meant as a "if you take my disability benefits away, I will kill myself". But that's how the reporter made it sound. I was depressed, under a huge amount of stress and said things without thinking. And this woman reporter used me to get ratings. Clearly she had no heart. If I got a letter from someway saying they were suicidal, I would be trying to get them some help, not using their letter said in upset to get ratings. This is the link to the story the woman ran: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2011/may/17/ I got a e-mail letting me know about the article. There I learn that this guy isn't just asking SSI to re-evaluating me, but he is doing all he can to get me AND Sandra's SSI canceled. Senator Colburn not just asked SSI to look into my case, but even sent a letter to the President as well (Click here to read the letter). And then shortly after, I got hundreds of e-mails telling me that the government would be better off dead. That if I couldn't kill myself, that they would come over and pull the trigger for me. Some people sadly can be so heartless.
I think the biggest mistake people are making is, they think that I am getting disability benefits for being a adult baby. NO ONE can get disability benefits for being a Adult Baby or Diaper Lover. That's not a disability. But in my case, the disability is for the depression, bi-polar, PTSD, ADHD, spinal injury, suicidal ideation and other issues.
On May 18th, with the "go kill yourself" e-mails, stress from worrying about Coburn's threat, and worrying about Sandra, I just couldn't take it anymore. I wrote Elisa to let her know I was ready to die, and planned to see Sandra that day and then take my life. But minutes later, Elisa called to calm me down, and later Sandra did the final calming down. Sandra really helps keep me level headed. But with her in the hospital, my mind
So I was alright until Friday night when again I broke under the stress and tried to overdose. I was online with a online therapist through New Hope.com. I was explaining the whole situation with Taboo, Coburn, Sandra and the "go kill yourself" letters. So anyway, I ended up in the hospital's ER for attempted suicide.
As always, I sat in the exam room waiting for mental health to arrive from 6am - 2am. I tried to tell the police and everyone that it would be a waist of time taking me to the hospital. Again they told me that because I was brought in 5150 (involuntary 72 hour hold), that I would be helped. Nope.
Mental health showed up and as always reversed the 5150 involuntary hold and sent me home still suicidal as always. But the new problem was I had no way home now. I was stranded at the ER. So the nurse comes in and tells me to just call someone. There is no "someone" to call. It's just me and Sandra in the area.
So finally the nurse decided to let me use their transport service. Another 2 hours of waiting, a cab arrives. I really was not sure I was going to be able to make it home. The cab looked as if it has been in numerous crashes. The breaks were loud, the doors rattled...I kept thinking something was going to fall off. But hey, in the end it was a ride home.
I got home to find Elisa had rallied the troops to help me. On the Channeling Erik blog was a post by Elisa with everyone offering prayers and support. I couldn't have been more moved by all the love. What also surprised me was that the Channeling Erik blog members read about my AB side and still didn't judge me. I can't possibly explain how good it felt to be accepted just as I am.
So things went alright over the weekend. But come Monday May 23rd, I get a e-mail from a few people in the AB/DL community saying they came across my brother's so called "corrected" bio. Visiting it, was upsetting to say the least.
My brother made corrections that couldn't be farther from the truth. For example, he speaks of riding a brown horse during a camping trip. Problem is, the camping trip was ONLY for the two special education classrooms for a week. They school invited a few moms to help out, but that was it. He didn't get to go because he was not even in the same school as I was, let alone in special education. He was never there to ride a brown horse.
Then for another example is where he talks about the one time my mom sent him to the psych ward. She hospitalized him as a punishment for being arrested with his friend for shoplifting. My mom went and picked him up from the police station and then called Van Nuys Psych saying he was suicidal. Of course he was picked up no questions asked. Now, before me and Jonathan parted way, he told me during the 3 days he was in the psych ward, that his room mate tried to rape him. Now in his so called "corrected" bio, he says nothing happened.
So I don't know what the deal is. I think he must be confused. He has my side of things, his memories of things, my moms memory of how things went and others. I don't think he really knows what REALLY happened and what didn't. The big thing is, nor my brother OR my mom knows what really happened. My mom tended to believe what the school said happened instead of even asking me what happened. She was more happy taking what the school said happened as truth. And it wasn't.
But because of Jonathan's so called "corrected" bio has been causing issues. People e-mailing me saying I should be ashamed to lie about my past and so on. So right now it's in the works that I will be taking Jonathan to court for slander. Although it's called something different because it's in print instead of said verbally. It's just a matter of going through court with enough documentation to prove his so called corrected bio is in fact incorrect and damaging my reputation for being truthful and honest. So we will see how that goes.
However at the time, it was yet another thing to push me to the breaking point on top of Coburn and everything else going on. So that night after losing it, I made my way up to the 5 story parking garage at Mercy Medical Center to jump off. Again I was admitted to the hospital for attempted suicide at 1am.
Problem is, this time Mercy Medical seemed to have changed their policies. Now I am forced to strip and wear a gown. Then all my belongings were taken away. As expected, the gown triggered flashbacks. Wasn't long before tears began to flow as I freaked out.
If that wasn't enough, for a moment I dosed off. I jerked awake to find myself still in the gown. However, I was SURE I was having one of my hospital nightmares. In them, I am in a gown waiting for staff to come in and attack me. And in the nightmares I normally have to run down what seems like endless halls, defending myself from attacking guards and staff to make it to the front door of the hospital to wake up.
I was getting myself ready to once again play out what I thought was another hospital nightmare. Going over the layout of the hospital in my mind, considering what attacks to use to disable staff and guards to get out of the hospital and be able to wake up.
Thankfully, I was able to convince myself that it wasn't a nightmare. Had I acted on it, lots of people could have gotten seriously injured, not to mention what would have happened to me legally for attacking so many people.
And it's situations like that, is why I make a big deal out of wearing a gown. Setting off the triggers, such as being forced to wear a gown can cause serious injury. Not just to myself, but others. The nightmares are so difficult because they feel completely real. The only way I can tell it's just a nightmare is when I wake up from them.
So, overall I was held in the ER from 1am till 11am. And without being able to have any of my pain medication. Problem is I was supposed to be at the hospital at 10AM to be trained on wound care for Sandra so the hospital can be sure I can help out the nurses when they come to take care of Sandra. So mental health showed up around 10am. Again, even though I tried to jump off a 5 story structure, mental health still reversed the 5150 hold and released me.
Before going home I went up to explain to Sandra why she couldn't get a hold of me. Since everything, including my cell phone was taken away. So I couldn't call Sandra to tell her about the ER holding me or not being able to go up to get wound care training. But on the way up to Sandra's room, the wound care nurse said she decided to hang around and try to wait for me. So in the end, I did get the chance to get the training and move one day closer to Sandra coming home.
So that afternoon when I finally got home, I checked the mail to find the re-evaluation paperwork from SSI. They gave Sandra over a month to complete hers, but gave me only 3 days. So I was running around trying to find paperwork and everything.
But my surprise came on the day of my SSI appointment on the 25th. The appointment was for 2:30pm at the SSI office. But at 9am I get a call on my cell phone saying he wants to come to the house instead. He wanted to come within 15 minutes, but said I needed at least 45 minutes as I needed to get up, get my diaper changed and take my pain med's before doing anything else.
So at 10am that morning, not only did the SSI worker come, but also a woman from the attorney general's office and a FBI agent and 2 police officers. After 5 minutes or so, the two police officers left. So first it was the SSI worker who looked through my paperwork and helped me fill out the remaining parts. And he let me know that a $200.00 check I got for a interview needed to be reported. So he helped me fill out the paperwork for that for me.
Then it was the lady from the attorney general's office and the FBI agents turn. They were here specifically here on Senator Coburns behalf. They asked questions about what medications I am on, what all I did on the Taboo show. One thing they had made a mistake about, was they had wanted to know exactly how much money Taboo had paid us to do the show. They assumed we were paid.
The only thing Taboo paid for was the the supplies to make the high chair, food from when they were filming me shopping for food, a set of jumper cables as the van's battery kept dying at the time, and a tank of gas so we could get to where they wanted to film us at. We never got any actual cash or anything.
Then they wanted to know details. They asked how I built the high chair in two days if I had a back injury. So I explained how NatGeo had sent the money for the high chair supplies almost 3 weeks ahead of time. I had to work real slow to get it done because my back would be hurting and I would have to stop. And in the end, the chair didn't even get finished. If you look in the episode, they never show the bottom of the high chair.
They asked about the hardware store, how I did it all. What they don't see on film is all the staff at the store helping carry everything. I couldn't thank the hardware store staff enough for all their help in helping get down all the heavy stuff and helping put it in the car for me. The hardware staff also helped again after the film crew was here, and then the staff of the film crew unloaded the car of everything for me too.
So then it came to asking me how I was able to do everything. The secret was double medication. To be able to do everything needed for the shots, I was taking double doses of my pain med's. NOT a very good thing to do, but there was no way I could do everything without the extra medication. I only doubled up during the filming hours, but then went to my regular dose of pain med's after the day of filming was over.
Without the extra pain med's, I never could have done all that. And I won't do it again as taking such high doses can do damage to your liver and other organs if done often. So overall, I took the double dose twice a day for 3 days of the filming grand total. It's amazing that's done behind the scenes to get the shots....lol.
So after 3 hours of questions, and time spent with them going around the house and looking at my room and such, they said overall they all found no evidence of social security fraud. That I had no secret bag of money. No million dollar car. Actually, the one woman valued my car at only worth $500.00. Wish that was all I paid. I paid $6,000.00 for it. Things just don't hold the value they used to.
But yea, over all, they found no evidence of there being a fraud. And the SSI worker said that there would be no change to my disability case. That I was still found as disabled and still able to get benefits and should get my letter in a few weeks stating that there would be no change in my SSI case.
The biggest problem is, me and Sandra being accused of social security fraud was all in the news. But now that we were found to not be defrauding the government, do you see that in the news anywhere of us being cleared? Nope! So now it will be getting the word out that me and Sandra were cleared of all accusations of fraud.
So anyway, all this has been very much stressful. But all that was put to rest when I got a solid release date for Sandra. And on June 2nd by 5pm she was home in time for dinner. She was discharged from the hospital and brought home by ambulance because she still couldn't walk yet. So they brought her home. So I feel better having her back home. And she's been playing catch up on her sleep so that's good too.
Now it's a matter of getting the visiting nurses coming on a set time, and getting the physical therapist working with her often enough. The biggest goal is to continue getting her leg muscles stronger and stronger till she is able to walk again. And that should be made easier due to her losing over 150 pounds in the hospital. But I guess nearly dying and not being able to eat for a month and being tube fed will do that to ya. I am just glad she is still alive and now back home.
So right now, besides helping Sandra get better and get her leg muscles stronger, I am working on getting everything set for suing my brother Jonathan for his so called "corrected" bio he did. So we will see how that goes in the coming weeks. Getting all the paperwork filled out and get a court date sent. Then just have to wait for Jonathan to be served and go from there.
But before I could get around to suing Jonathan, my attention had to be put back to helping Sandra recover from almost dying again. The visiting nurses said they could only come till June 17th. So she got a appointment with her doctor for June 15th. We got her in her chair alright. The medical transport company came to pick her up.
Everything was fine till about halfway to the doctors office. That's when Sandra started having problems breathing and was in a lot of pain all the sudden. We managed to get to the doctors building and off the transport van. That's when she began to get much worse. The electric wheelchair died for some unknown reason. It just wouldn't go. So I couldn't get her out of the sun.
It was then that I decided to just call for a ambulance and get her to a hospital and forget the doctors office. Her life is more important. But before the EMT's could really help, she leaned back and passed out. Her eyes were open and looking forward, but she wasn't responding to anything. So the EMT's undid her seatbelt and slid her down to the floor and then put her in the ambulance.
The EMT's closed the doors and began working on her for a few moments. But then they calmly walked away and the ambulance left with no lights or siren. Then when I called Mercy medical Center where she was supposed to be taken, I was told that they had no patient by that name. So I was under the impression that she was indeed dead. I fell totally apart.
A few hours later, I heard that Sandra was alive but was taken to a different hospital. She did die for a moment, but the EMT's got her back via CPR. So she was admitted and put in the ICU. It turns out it was a perfect storm of events. Her sepsis infection had come back for her stomach wound, but this time caught MUCH sooner. She also had a bladder infection which explains the brown urine in the catheter. She also had a very low pressure problem at the time as well.
Thankfully she was able to dodge the bullet once again and is still among the living. How the sepsis infection returned with the wound being covered with a sealed wound vacuum and kept clean, I have no idea. I am just thankful that she is still among the living.
Hopefully this time, because it was caught early, she won't have to be in the hospital as long this time around. During my visit on the second day she was in the hospital, she was awake and alert. So that's a good sign.
After 2 days in the ICU, she was moved to a more long term room. But to keep the chance of her stomach wound getting a infection, she was put in a isolation room where you had to put on a disposable gown and gloves before you could go in.
I wanted to be able to hang out all day with Sandra like I was able to at Mercy Medical Center. Well, ok, not all day. But a few hours at least. But in the isolation room, I was lucky if I could stay a hour. The room nearly was identical to the solitary room at Van Nuys Psych in southern California.
I could stand being in the room as long as the door was kept open and only for a little while at first. Having Sandra in the room was the only reason why I would even attempt to be in there. Toward the end of 3 weeks, I was able to be in there up to 4 hours at a time.
My therapist had wanted me to expose myself to triggering situations for some time. And I just avoided it. And after talking with my guides, it seems Sandra being in that room was part of the grand plan to get me to face my past. And they knew if Sandra was in the room, I would make myself do it, even if only for a short time.
About 3 weeks of being in Shasta Regional, Sandra's doctor said she had finally reached the goal of losing 200 pounds and was not at a ideal weight for a surgery to remove her stomach that got so large due to using steroids for the last 20 years.
She was supposed to have surgery on July 1st, but the doctor putting her under didn't feel comfortable working on someone me and Sandra's size so a specialist was called in and the surgery was moved to July 6th.
So on July 6th, the day of the surgery, I came up around noon to hang out with Sandra before she went into surgery. At 2:30pm the nurses came to get Sandra and take her down to get prepped for the surgery. The doctor did the surgery at 3pm and came out and told me she was fine at 6:30pm.
It was also at this time he shared with me some shocking information. Me and Sandra had been told several times, that the surgery was going to be broken down into 3 surgeries because of the size of the surgery.
The first surgery they were supposed to be removing 1/3rd of her stomach and close the open wound that gave her the sepsis infection back in April. And she would be sent home to recover and come back for the second and third surgeries later.
But instead I came to be told that we misunderstood. The doctor said that it was always going to be done in one surgery, but that the stomach would be cut into 3 sections and removed, but that all 3 would be removed during one surgery. That's not what me and Sandra were lead to believe.
And I feel everyone should have made all that clear to us because I can say that both me and Sandra would have said no. If it was just the 1/3rd and sent home, yea, she could take that. But to remove such a large amount, she wansn't well enough to do that.
So while I am sitting waiting for Sandra to be taken to the ICU for recovery I hear a code blue called for Sandra's OR room. Meanwhile I was freaking out and finally got a nurse to go check and found it was indeed Sandra that the code blue was called for. Her heart has stopped but they were able to get her heart restarted.
3 hours later she was stable enough to move to the ICU where she was supposed to spend a few days recovering and that when she was ready, the ventilator would come off. I walked by her bed to the ICU but was told to wait outside while they got her settled.
4 hours later of waiting the doctor comes out and said he was having problems. He said that Sandra is bleeding from inside the wound he closed up and that he wanted to open the wound back up and stitch the bleeding inside closed. He decided to open her back up in the ICU.
So he sent out 3 staff running back and forth from the ICU to the OR to get armfuls of supplies. I knew something wasn't right. I could feel the bleed where the surgeon was working. It was on the far left side of the wound. I knew something was wrong because my gut feeling was screaming at me that something wasn't right.
The doctor came out 2 hours later telling me they have gone through nearly 10 bags of blood trying to stop the bleeding. And the doctor said Sandra would probably not make it through the night. I asked to go in anyway. I wanted to at least be able to say goodbye BEFORE she died. I know I must have seemed angry. I didn't want to sit outside while she died just feet away.
The doctor told me to give him a few minutes to make her presentable. So while I waited, I channeled everyone's prayers and well wishes into this huge ball. I am not good at long distance healing, but I was going to try. I sucked up every ounce of healing energy and sent it to Sandra.
Finally I was allowed to go in. Body wise, she looked awesome. Had she fully recovered, I know she would have loved it. But she was in bad shape. There was several blood soaked towels on the floor and in a bag. Because she tried to remove the breathing tube, they had her in restraints. That was highly triggering for me. But she was alert. When she saw me, she looked at me and wanted to say something. She just kept squeezing my hand. She was scared, but not for herself. She was scared for me. And most important, I could feel the love she has for me.
But I went right to what I wanted to do. I put my hands on her, closed my eyes, and began healing. I did it in front of everyone. I didn't care who saw me doing it or what people thought. I used every ounce of power I had at the time, and when that was gone, I took in what I could.
In the end, it just wasn't enough to stop the bleeding. At the time, I felt bad that I couldn't stop the bleeding. And later I would come to learn that there wasn't anything I could do, and that it was simply just her time to go. But I had to try anyway.
45 Minutes later I was asked to step back outside when blood began dripping off the bed onto the floor. I sat outside the ICU for another two hours while another 4 more bags of blood flown in from Sacramento. The 4 bags would be given to Sandra so I had time to say goodbye.
A little before Midnight I was allowed back in to say my final goodbye's. I had them give her morphine for the pain. I sat and held Sandra's hand and kept telling her that I love her, and that it's ok, that she could go to heaven. And at 12:36am on July 7th, she took her last breath.