(Page 10 of 10)
This page was last updated on: April 8, 2022

(Continued From page 9)
(The following below covers age Age 31 - Present)

        So she did, she told my psychiatrist I was refusing to go to the gym and take part. He came in about 10 minutes later to talk to me. He starts by saying "So, why do you keep refusing your medication?" So for the billionth time I explained that he continues to prescribe a medication that I KNOW makes me more depressed. Not something I needed more help with. And that the other medication I knew was wrong for me (but couldn't say exactly why). I told him "I take my pain medication though, or at least what I can get!". 

        I told him I came to the hospital because of the ultra high suicidal thoughts and urges. The PTSD and all was high too. But it was the suicidal thoughts and urges that were way out of the normal for me. That the best person to help me with my PTSD is on the outside, and I am already seeing. I mean my therapist I see is a PTSD specialist, who actually had PTSD. Who better to help me with that? So I told him I need to be on the outside to do that. 

        I said, secondly, I didn't feel right taking new medications on the inside because I could be in there for weeks to months getting it right. OR, I could go through a psychiatrist through the same place my therapist is and be able to make changes while being home. Much better situation. 

        The ONLY reason I was willing to go inpatient there was because me and my guides both felt it was too dangerous for me on the outside with the suicidal urges as they were. And that I felt I was doing better and ready to return home. 

        He suddenly got a attitude. I felt it empathically before his body could display the signs. He says mental health requires 24/36 hours notice to come back and get me and that I should stay inpatient for that time to be further evaluated. I still told him no thank you. Then I saw it coming. The threat. One of my triggers, so I prepared for it. 

      Then he says "You know.....I could put you on a 5250 (14 day involuntary hold) and have you stay here". I looked him right in the eye and said "I'm going home today." He starts to walk off and as he turns around he says "I will write you AMA then!" So I say "Ok, I will call my ride" as he walks off. 

      I find out my discharge is set up for noon, so I call to arrange a ride. I KNEW my friend Tabitha could come and get me, but she has 3 children and didn't need to be driving down to Sacramento if I was able to find someone else. So I called my mom who happened to be home. She was off from driving the bus so she came down to pick me up. 

      Well, the doctor was dragging his feet and instead set me up for a 2pm discharge time. So I decided to sit in my room and wait. So my lunch was brought in which another chuckle because yet again I got another "Finger Foods" Labeled tray from the kids ward. In the meal was a hamburger (could have been better), 2 oatmeal rasin cookies with broccoli and green beans I had to eat with my fingers. Strange. I was so sure by lunch that they HAD to know I was a adult baby and the kids breakfast wasn't just a fluke. I wasn't going to ask to find out...lol.

      So I ate my lunch and waited for my mom to arrive. But kept getting called up to the desk for various things. Signed paperwork and filled out a patient questionnaire on service suggesting they leave the TV room open overnight or have a laptop with internet for those who can't sleep. Then signed my AMA discharge paperwork. And had to give my therapists phone number so they could make sure I really did have a appointment with my therapist for March 14th that I told them about when they were asking about after care. 

      When that was done I was told my mom had already arrived a hour ago and was just waiting for the paperwork. So I collected my things, claimed my stuff from the safe, got my medications I brought in with me from pharmacy and left. My official check out time of the hospital is 2:47pm. I was back home about 5:10pm or so after the 3 - 3 1/2 hours drive it's supposed to take to get from Redding to Sacramento, not two hours doing 90! 

       But it cost $90.00 worth of gas for my mom to drive down to Sacramento to get me and drive back to Redding. So I have to pay that back. But it was far worth it to pay out $90.00 back to her for gas than it would have been to stay there another 24/36 hours and risk "going off" and doing something that would justify keeping me. 

       Then had to play catch up with everyone. I missed my doctors appointment with my medical doctor so it took all of March 13th to get a new prescription called into Owens Medical because I couldn't go another full day without pain medication. Ouch!. 

      So then on March 19th 2012 things really came to a head between me and my brother. Before the 19th my brother had posted a web page with a copy of my biography and then in red would post under each event what he felt really happened. And then at the same time had a youtube video a copy of my Taboo episode and had a link to this altered bio.

      So he came up to visit my mom on short notice as if everything was fine. Things had become pretty heated and didn't really feel it was a good time for him to be in the same place as I was. Anyway, he showed up and my mom who I am currently living with had me come out to say my peace to my brother so the yelling got done early in the evening. And that's all I expected to be done, yelling.

      I came into the living room and he was sitting on the sofa. I told him I felt he really had nerve coming up after what he's been saying about me online. I was standing about two feet from him. I remember him taking out a taco and unwrapped and started to eat it. 

      The next moment I had lost control. This rage like I have never before felt came out. I could see what was going on, but I could do nothing to stop it. It was like someone else was controling me and I was just watching everything through a camera. Yelling in my head to "STOP!!!" but couldn't. 

     What happened was I instantly had my hands around his neck and using all the force choaking him. The rage inside wanted to kill him. And I was afraid that was exactly what was going to happen. I couldn't do anything. My mom who was there sitting in a chair across the room came running over and was trying to pull me off. My right hand slipped off his neck and just was punching with it instead while my left continued choaking him. 

      Finally my mom got me off him ripping my shirt to shreds in the process. But that wasn't the end. My brother stood up and pulled out his switch blade. Me standing next to the bar being held back, in responce to the knife, I reached over the bar behind me and pulled out a butcher knife. I was told later by my mom that she was using all the force she could muster. She was saying the look in my eyes was totally different. Like I didn't even see her. 

      Finally my mom's boyfriend at the time had come out the room and walked up behind me and triggered the startle responce and I snapped out of it. As soon as I realized what was going on, I put the knife on the counter and went and locked myself in my room. I was VERY freaked out. I couldn't stop shaking. 

      A few minutes later my mom comes to tell me my brother is on the phone with the police to have the put in jail. That didn't happen though. I knew the officer and he talked my brother out of pressing charges. Saying if he did, he would have to come back up here on the court date, he didn't live locally. And anyway, I would be out of jail in around a hour and back home anyway. So apparently my brother didn't press charges. 

      When I was talking to the officer, he stopped me when I tried to explain everything. The officer knows about my history with PTSD. Even the officer who's taken me to the ER several times before due to the PTSD knows what happened isn't normal. I have never had any violence to the officer, or anyone else before. 

      So the officer was asking me if the hospital stay in Sacramento helped. I told him to a point yea. That when discharged I had a referal to see a psychiatrist about getting on Latuda, a medication that's been showing good things with war vets coming home with PTSD, but that I can't see the psychiatrist till April 5th. 

     The officer asked what I was going to do for the night. Seeing as my brother came up to spend the night, I decided I would just sleep in the minivan overnight and come in and go to bed when my brother leaves in the morning. My mom told me no, that my brother was going back home. Either way, I still needed to get out of the environment for a bit. Since the event, I was still shaking. 

     So went out to my car and drove over to my friend Tabitha's house (the friend who was going to appear in the TLC episode with me). So we talked a bit about what happened and just calmed down. And once I was calm enough I went back home. My brother already gone. 

     When I came in, me and my mom sat down and I explained what happened. That what happened was outside of my control. That I could see what was happening, but could do nothing to stop it. It was my very first PTSD black out. I didn't know what exactly the trigger was, but I snapped. It's something I had feared happening for several years. And is why I have this print out in my wallet with all my triggers and everything such as not turing out the lights in a room I am in and so on to minimize the chance of such a incident happening. 

      During the PTSD episode, I could feel this rage inside. I didn't even know I had so much rage. But it was almost like my brother had become one of my abusers, I just wanted to kill him. He got 20 years of surpressed anger, hurt and rage unleashed all at once. And my brother's never abused me. 

      Sure I was angry and hurt by him posting what he did saying the abuse never happened and that I made it up. But not angry to the point of hurting or even killing him. When I walked into the living room, I figured I would yell about how angry and hurt I am and then walk away. I have always been non-violent. I might yell, but I don't get physical or throw things or anything like that. 

      So this was just not me. And to date, it's the only PTSD episode of flipping out that's even happened to date. Though my brother feels I was really in control and just blame it on my PTSD. I truely wish that was the case, that I didn't have PTSD. But that's not how things are. I do have PTSD and have to deal with it, including the incident that happened with the black out.  

       After talking to my mom about it and letting her knew exactly what happened, and that the event was PTSD and not run of the mill anger my mom said I should be seeing my therapist more often to deal with the hidden rage. Can't afford it but one or sometimes two visits to the therapist a month because of gas being so expensive. So she said she would help out with gas so I can see the therapist more often. So that's good. 

       A few days later on March 21st 2012 the episode I took part in "My Crazy Obsession) on TLC (The Learning Channel) aired. It went well but with a few misquotes. But instead of repeating everything, I am going to have those who wish to know about the episode visit the page I created with every detail about the episode from when I was contacted, what was taped, how it was taped and so on. You can read that article "HERE".

      I met a Mommy during the taping named "Mommy Evadne". Very nice Mommy. She made it so easy to get into the baby role. I am in the search for a Mommy, but Evadne and I remain friends. And that's cool. 

      But 3 days after the episode aired (March 24th) I met Mommy Emily. She shared that she's been a Adult Baby for some time, but when she saw me on TV she decided to be my Mommy. Like most relationships, I had her read my biography first. I would much rather someone know my past and decide to walk away now, that to have a long relationship and bond for them to learn about a part of me and leave then. Guess it's a hurt reduction method. 

     But in the end, she said she had no issues with who I am. But it is a long distance Mommy/Baby relationship. Me in California and her in New York. So we role play online and we chat on the phone once or twice a day. So that's been really nice. It's still a very early relationship so don't know where it will lead. Never know. :)

     I get other offers to be adopted by other Mommy's. Some I mesh with, some I don't. I keep my options open. No rule saying a baby can't have two Mommy's. Most people have two parents, just in my case, it would be two Mommy's instead of a Mommy and a Daddy. :) We will see. But it looks like we are going to have a very tight relationship.

     So April 5th 2012 finally came. I got to see my new psychiatrist. We discussed my past and the doctor agreed that Latuda 40mg would be helpful for me. Agreeing also that they have been hearing good things about the medication helping war vets with PTSD. But during the visit I had a bad flashback. I was fine till I was looking around at the stuff in the doctors office and laying face up on the book stand next to me "Beauty and the Beast" the book. The exact same book that caused the flashback attack during the filming of the episode for TLC at the toy store. 

     After I calmed down, I took the prescription to the pharmacy. The pharmacy couldn't fill it right now. It seems my Medi-care Part D insurance has a requirement needing prior authorazation. And that can take 7-10 days. So whenever the medication is approved I will get to see how it works. 

       The following day, April 6th 2012, I got to see my therapist. We discussed how the meeting went with the psychiatrist. And we discussed the issue with the book Beauty and the Beast. My therapist was suggesting renting it and to keep watching it over and over till I can handle watching it. I had to decline, I'm not ready for that yet. But I am closer than I used to be. 

       End of April left me in a interesting situation. I like Texas toast but was shopping at Walmart and so got their brand this time. It turned out the crust was harder than the ones I got at Winco. So when I bit into the Walmart Texas toast it snapped off my front tooth on my upper jaw right off at the gum line. I couldn't believe it. So the running joke is I am going to change my name to Bubba. :) 

      Anyway, I can't get it fixed though due to the change to medi-cal insurance. They don't fill cavities or anything anymore. If there is a problem with the tooth now, they just pull them. And I can't afford cash to fix it. Oh well. Not really going to worry about it. No sense getting upset over something I can't afford to fix. My friend's understand though. I have a friend who's missing more teeth than me and I could care less. It's who the person is on the inside that I care about. 

      On April 26th 2012 I joined a new site called www.ABCMouse.com. I was at my friends house and their kids were watching Disney Jr and there was a ad about ABC Mouse. So I checked it out when I got home. Basically, it's a online preschool for kids age 2-6. The site teaches colors, shapes, alphabet, numbers, spelling, science and so much more. 

      Being a walk-in, I walked into a 10 year old body. So I had never experienced being in preschool or anything like that. So since I role play, I thought it would be fun to check it out. The site has a free month and after 3 days I was hooked. For each activity you do, you get tickets. With the tickets you can buy fish for the fish bowl, you can buy a hampster and habitrail, you can buy stuff for your virtual room and so on. 

      My favorite activity is the puzzels since they pay out up to 10 tickets each time you do a puzzel. And if you do the same puzzel 5 times, you get another 5 tickets on top of the 10 for doing the puzzel. I also like the music. Since I started in the lowest bracket "Toddler Time" they mostly have kids music. But I particularly love so far the Letter K song and the Letter T song. 

     I am on there a lot though. Most times I have my pacifier in my mouth totally getting into it. And to boot, even though I am a adult, I find I still learn new things there. So that's all a plus. :) So I think it's cool for those who role play to get more into the role a bit. Any for anyone who may not have memories of going to preschool to kind of see what it's like, minus the actual children. 

      You don't interact with any actual kids. You get a virtual teacher and a virtural classroom. You just click on what you want to do. The white board takes you to your actual lesson plan. The piano takes you to the music. The fish tank to the fish tank of course. And if you click on the play kitchen you get kitchen related activities. The clock teaches you how to read both types of clocks and so on. 

     So been hanging out there. And it's only $8.00 a month after the free month. But they give you 3 slots for up to 3 kids. So since my friend has two kids who's the program actually made for who are 3 and 5, I gave her the sign in information so her two kids can use my other two slots for her kids to use. That way she gets to use the site for free. So yea, been totally addicted to ABCMouse.com....lol

      So on May 8th 2012 I got a phone call a day before I was due to come in for my therapy appointment. It was now over a month waiting for the new Latuda medication to be filled. The psychiatrist told me she just now got the prior authorization for the Latuda. So she said when I come in to see my therapist the next day, to stop by the psychiatrists office and they would give me samples so I can finally start on it while I wait for the pharmacy to get everything straight. 

      On May 9th 2012 I went to see my therapist and then picked up the Latuda medication afterwords. I took my first dose at 10:00pm on May 9th. My problems with the medication so far is headaches and upset stomach. And have strange dreams. But other than that, no other issues from it. I was told to give it a week or two and that the side effects would go away. 

     On May 12th 2012 I got a call from my medical insurance to tell me that the Latuda isn't going to be covered. Almost 5 weeks to tell me it's not covered? And of course I find that out after my psychiatrist convinces me to start taking the samples she gave me so when the Latuda clears I will already be on it. Thankfully I had only taken 3 doses (one 40mg tab a day) so it won't be that difficult to come back off it. 

     I knew it though. I kept getting the feeling that I shouldn't take it. I wish I would have listened to my guides on it. But now I know why I was getting that feeling. Because it won't be covered by insurance. And I KNOW the psychiatrist isn't going to keep giving me samples of it for the rest of my life to be on it. 

     And can't afford to pay cash as it's $751.30 for 45 pills. More expensive the following month as the psychiatrist wants me on one pill for a week and then to go up to two pills a day. So probably would have been over $800.00 a month or more. That's insane. Who can afford to pay cash for this? If people didn't have insurance, how would they get their medication? One month of it is more than my rent. That's insane. 

     So on May 16th 2012 the Latuda medication problem takes another twist. About mid day I get a call from my psychiatrist that the insurance had turned down the last prior authorization. So she said she sent in another and they had finally accepted it and was calling to ask what pharmacy I go through so she can call in the prescription. So that night I got a call from the pharmacy saying the Latuda prescription had cleared and is filled waiting for me. 

     So as of May 17th 2012 I am back on the Latuda now. Which is good since although I hadn't seen a big change in the PTSD lately on it, I have found it's helped my energy level where I have not been so tired all day. So that alone is a good thing. 

     As for my new ABCMouse.com site, I cleared the toddler area today and now officially in "Preschool"....lol. It's cool though. I didn't think I would learn anything new on there being my age. But even someone my age is learning something new. Always good to learn new things. So I am glad I gave my other two spots in my account to my friend for her two kids. That way they can get a good head start. And really, I am not using the slots anyway, so this way they go to good use. 

     On June 6th 2012 I was contacted by a journalist in Chili. She wanted to do a interview with me. However it was a kind of challenge due to the language barrier. But they found someone on staff who could speak english as I don't know how to speak their language. After working it out we did 2 interviews via webcam. They had only seen Taboo. Most countries it seems is getting the new episodes 1-2 years after the US. So Chili had just recently aired the Taboo episode there. So they should see the new My Crazy Obsession there in late 2013-2014.

     On June 11th 2012 we did our first interview. It was very similar to Taboo in that I shared how I got to be into the AB/DL lifestyle which was as a way to cope with the bed wetting and wearing diapers and as a way to cope with the child abuse. We just really only talked via microphone because they didn't tell me they wanted to do it on camera and I didn't have my camera out at the time. So we set up another interview for the following day 

    On June 12th 2012 the webcam was now up and running so we started over. I explained how I got into the AB/DL scene again. Then I picked up the camera and showed the crib and the high chair.  I explained a little about the crib and the high chair about how long they took to make and how I came up with my measurements and so on. Then I answered a few questions they had. And that was it for that day.

     Then on June 14th 2012 we did another interview with me in the high chair. I was thankful I had a extention cord for my headset. It just bearly reached to where I needed it. They wanted to see me eatting in the high chair on webcam. So we filmed me on webcam eatting some lunch, then drinking from my baby bottle and then using my pacifier a little answering questions like how many baby bottles I have, how many pacifiers I have, how often I eat in my high chair, if I eat adult food or baby food and so on. And then that was it for their interview. 

     Had a good scare on June 18th. This all started about a week prior with my nightmares and flashbacks ramping up. By June 18th I had become highly suicidal. So at 4am I decided to go over to Mercy Medical Center to be seen. I did the normal blood and urine samples. 

      A little after 8am the doctor came to talk to me saying he spoke to Shasta County Mental Health that said if I came over to thier office they would see me now instead of having to wait for hours at the hospital to be seen. I agreed and the doctor released me with instructions to head right over to Mental Health. 

     I drove right over and signed in to be seen at Mental Health. I got over there by around 8:45am. After a hour I was called back where I was so surprised and angered. 7 years ago I had gone down to Mental Health to get set up with services. I was told that because I have Medi-care in addition to Medi-cal health insurance that Mental Health doesn't accept the Medi-care and so I would have to go to a place that took both insurance companies together. Which is why I currently ended up having to drive 30 miles away up in the mountains to see my current therapist. 

      So a few months later I heard about Mental Healths buy in program. That for $78.00 a year at a rate of about $4.00 a month I could buy into their insurance and be seen that way. But I was told that because I have the Medi-care and Medi-cal insurance I didn't qualify for the buy in program. 

      So yesturday I was called back to a office where the woman tells me I am now being signed up with their buy in program. That because I have Medi-care they will bill Medi-care and what ever they don't approve, they then bill to Medi-cal which will accept it and thus will be cost free. And should something not be covered, I would be elagiable for the buy in program at $78.00 a year. The exact system I was told by Social Services that Mental Health was supposed to do 7 years ago but was being blocked by Tod Harris at Mental Health, being blocked from all services and told "When you want services bad enough, you will find the money". 

       I was quite upset that all these past 7 years I really did qualify but Todd Harris for some stupid ass reason decided to block me as part of some vendetta. Just goes to show how corrupt the State and County services have become. Had I been accepted 7 years ago I could have gotten services in town and not had to drive 30 miles away to be seen. But NOW I don't want to switch as I have such a good relationship with my current therapist and thus is worth driving the distance. But it's just the point of the matter that got me angry. 

      So I was told to return to the waiting room now that I had a open case and wait to be seen by a Mental Health worker. Another hour later I was called to see the therapist. I explained that the PTSD had become out of control again and that I needed help. She was a bit shocked. 

      In the past, I had done everything possible NOT to be admitted. These last years I could always care less if I died and often looked forward to my passing to be back with my friends and to finally have peace not having to deal with my PTSD anymore as in Heaven it would be gone. 

     Since finding Emily things have changed. I want to try to stick around for her and thus decided to seek treatment I otherwise would not have done in the past and just would have waited for the depression to result in a suicide attempt and hoped the attempt would work this time. So that's been the difference these days as to why I would seek treatment. I actually have a reason to stay on the earthly plane longer. Something my guides/Guardian Angels are very happy about. 

      But the therapist tells me they can't help me be placed in a hospital to battle the depression and suicidal feelings voluntary. That if I wanted to be in voluntary I would have to contact a hospital and set up the stay and then find a way to get there myself. Well Enloe in Chico California is out, not just because I don't have money for gas to get there but because they won't even bother with me. 

     The last time I arranged a stay at Enloe in Chico I was almost there when I got a call back from them saying they reviewed my case over the last hour or so since being told to come down and decided I can't be helped any further and will NEVER get any better than I already was. To turn around and go back home. 

       I was both upset and angry. Angry because I had barrowed money from a friend for gas just to get there, and to be told just before getting there that not to bother and just to turn around and go back home, a total waste of almost $40.00 worth of gas. But upset at being told I would NEVER ever get any better than I already was. Not something I wanted to hear given how much torture the PTSD is. So I can't go to Enloe which only leaves Sacramento which costs about $50.00 in gas each way to go to. Not a option on my budget. 

      I was told the only way Mental Health would transport me to a hospital using their transport is if I was admitted to the ER under a 5150 involuntary hold. So I was told to go back to the ER again. The ER doctor was NOT happy to see me back. He asked why I was back and I explaned to him about what Mental Health said about coming back to the ER and being reseen. 

      I got to the ER a little after Noon. And because I left I had to give a new blood and urine sample and start all over again fresh. But that was actually a good thing. The urine test revealed that I had a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection), basically there was a infection in my bladder. So they started me right away on Keflex 500mg antibiotics to take for the next 7-10 days. 

       The other bad news I got by going to the ER on June 18th has to do with my heart. Although a little angry over it taking almost 7 years to get set up with insurance coverage through Mental Health I was pretty calm. But the flashbacks were continuing to occure through all this day of trying to get seen. The nurse took my blood pressure which was 200/140 with a pulse of 115, a new record. And not one I want to set! That's OVER heart attack range. So it seems the doctors assessment of the PTSD doing damage to my heart and that my heart would continue to weaken was spot on.

        Since I was at the ER I didn't have use of my crib, toys, pacifier or anything else baby related to help lower my blood pressure and calm down from the flashbacks. Then I remembered that Mercy Medical Center while doing their renovations installed cable TV into each room. So I turned it to Disney Junior and watched Chuggington cartoon that's about a city of talking trains. So I put all my attention into the cartoon imagining I am sitting at home. It kind of worked. My blood pressure began coming down and the chest pain faded. 

       So I remained in the ER till about 8:30pm when Mental Health's crisis worker came to the hospital to transport me over to Mental Health for a evaluation. Mental Health said I would stay at their crisis unit overnight. I had stayed there before, they have pull out sofa beds in the crisis unit. With my spinal injury, I can't lay on those. 

       Not to mention in crisis they don't talk to you about what's going on. They just give you a sofa bed to lay on and just watch you. Plus their idea of a meal is 2 bean and beef burritos and a carton of milk. Yuck! Another one of their "meals" was chicken nuggests and french fries. They have no money so all the so called "meals" are like really cheap. No real nutrition to them. 

       So although I was still feeling suicidal, I knew staying THERE it would only get worse. So I decided to have them just send me home and take my chances with the suicidal feelings at home. At least at home I have my adjustable hospital bed for my back and access to my baby stuff to help keep the high blood pressure spikes from the flashbacks low. 

       Another ER visit followed on June 21st. I arrive a little after 4am taken to the ER by police who came to the house due to a hotline I was talking to. The police decided to run me over to the hospital to be seen. So I sat there until close to noon. However a little before that I began freaking out really bad. 

       I began having a flashback and before I knew it I saw the Van Nuys Psychiatric hospital unit around me. That wasn't the first time. What was is the new section of the ER they built at Mercy Medical Center was damn near perfect match for the layout of the nurses station and the solitary rooms across the hall from it from Van Nuys Pysch. I was in the room Van Nuys Psych referred to as "9A". The room next door which is the room I had on the June 18th was known as "10A" in the Van Nuys Psych hospital layout. 

       I could see what was the ER, but superemposed over it was the layout and decorations of Van Nuys Psychiatric. They fit damn near perfect. The ER exam room I was in, if you took out the furniture, shrunk the window of the door down a bit and put a grate covered window at the back of the room you would have Van Nuys Psych's solitary room 9A perfectly. Even the door to the exam rooms were exactly where the doors were and opened on the solitary rooms in Van Nuys Psychiatric. 

     I was totally freaking out. My guides were trying to calm me down, but I was so freaked out. To me, my body and my emotions were reacting as if I REALLY WAY in Van Nuys Psych's solitary room 9A. My heart was racing, I was sweating, I began having a full on panic attack. I text messaged Mommy Emily about what was going on and she got on the phone and talked me down. I have never freaked like that before. Not since actually being AT Van Nuys Psych. So if I ever go back to that ER again, I won't be able to be in that room anymore after what happened. 

      Thankfully about 10 minutes after Mommy Emily called the driver from Mental Health arrived to take me over to crisis to be evaluated so I was able to get the hell out of that room and calm down some. Still took me over 2 hours to calm down from that room. And Mental Health decided to once again let me return home and not have to stay in the hospital overnight.

       Then at 1am on June 29th 2012 I had a interesting experience. I know with going on TV that people from Redding would see me and might make a comment, be it negitive or possitive. But picture and autograph requests? That I must say was unexpected. This would be the second time I was stopped with a request to take a picture. 

       So my SSI money came in at 10pm like always. I finally made it to Walmart a little aftermidnight and did some light food shopping. I pulled up out front of my home and began unloading my food. As I was unloading everything 2 guys maybe in their 20's stop and ask "Hey, are you that guy from TLC?". Yea, I reply. They ask "Hey, can we get your autograph?". "Me?" I asked in shock. I don't see myself as "famous" or "important" or anything by being on TV. I went on TV, I shared about something I do and that's it. So it just surprises me when someone see's me and asks for pictures with me or a autograph. I just don't expect it or anything. 

       So anyway, I say sure and have them pull out of the street and walk over. Now due to death threats, I don't approach such situations without my pepper spray in hand. I didn't know if they were serious or wanted to do something. But soon I saw my guard was not needed. They were getting out of the car real giddy smiling and saying "Man, this is so awesome. We loved your episode. This is so cool!". 

      The driver hands me a piece of paper to sign my name on. Wish I had been a little neater though. So after signing my name and another "awesome" they asked if they could take their picture with me. I saw no reason why not. So the driver stood next to me and the passenger took the picture. They shook my hand and drove off apparently very happy. 

       I just came inside kind of in shock. I half expected to be approached at the supermarket or something, but not at home. And to see two people who are not into the AB/DL scene but were happy just to meet me was interesting. I think they just saw me as famous or something and found it neat to get a picture with me. And I guess I would find it just as neat if I got my favorite band Evanescence's autograph and picture that would be neat. I just don't see myself anywhere near the same bracket as bands and such on TV. I don't know, maybe that's just my self esteam talking. But that was a new experience for me. 

       On July 6th 2012 with Sandra's 1 year since date of her passing it's been difficult. So around 4pm in the afternoon after having severe urges to take my life and rejoin her I decided to go to the hospital. So I got over to Mercy Medical Center and explained to the nurse the situation. She takes me back to room 28 (28 and 29 are reserved for psych patients now) and has me put on a gown. 

       So 30 minutes later this doctor named Fred Grabiel MD walks in with a female nurse who is taking notes. So the doctor sits down and asks me to tell him what's going on. I explain to him about the PTSD being made worse by it being the day before Sandra's 1 year Anniversary. He looks at me and says "Your not going to really kill yourself, admit it". As if he can tell how damn serious I am by talking to me for less than a minute. 

        I told the doctor I was dead serious as I always am when feeling like that. I don't play games or come in out of boardem or for attention. When I am suicidal, it's because I really am. Besides, if I wasn't I NEVER would have stepped foot in that ER. Every single psych ward or time in the ER it makes the PTSD worse. 

        For example that day I was sitting in the room and had a horrible flashback. I could see the room I was in, but superimposed over it was the layout of the solitary rooms from Van Nuys Psych. I could see both room layouts one on top of the other. It really freaked me out pretty bad. Anyway, the flashback happened after the doctor leaves the room which I am getting to her. But that's one of many reasons why I avoid the hospitals as much as I can. 

      So after the doctor finishes telling me I don't "look suicidal" he starts in with me being a adult baby. "You still do that crazy baby stuff? I mean, your the only 30 year old I know who still sleeps in a crib. Man, that's so crazy. The last time I saw you, I didn't want to be anywhere near you."

       I affirmed that yes I am still into the role playing but was getting angry at how he was talking to me. Telling me I am weird and crazy and all this when my role playing at home has nothing to do with the depression or feeling suicidal and ask him how many times he's going to ask the same questions about the role playing and how many times he's going to make the mean comments to me. He just keeps repeating himself 4 different times. I don't need to hear that crap the way I was feeling. It was just making me more hurt and angry.

       He finally tells me he's sending me home. That's I am not REALLY suicidal and he doesn't see any need for me to ge treatment. So the nurse signs me out. I was so angry and upset. On the way out your supposed to stop and sign out on the way out. I just walked right passed everyone, with them calling my name. 

       I got home and was just so hurt that I was willing to face my fear of hospitals and got treated like I was. I feel into a deep depression, feeling quite worthless and stayed in bed all day. I didn't eat or do anything. 

       By nightfall, things got bad. As it inched closer and closer to the time of Sandra's death, I found myself getting more and more upset. By a little after midnight, I was sitting with a bottle of pills in my hand. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. To be back with Sandra and my other friends who have passed away. 

       Only July 7th 2012 at 12:15am I called a hotline to try to get help. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die, but I do want to feel better. And in that state of mind death seems like the only way out to get peace. So of course police were called to take me to the hospital. 

       The woman at the front desk of the hospital knew me. Apparently the episode of Taboo I was on had aired that night and so she recognized me from the episode. She was wanting to know why if I could build a high chair why I didn't do it as full time work. So I was explaining to her that the chair was difficult for me to put together with my limitations and isn't something I would not want to undertake again. 

        I was taken back into room 28, the isolation room of Mercy Medical Center and was asked to give the normal blood and urine sample to test and make sure the depression problem isn't be caused by drugs or some medical condition. 

       I was fine for about 2 hours. Then I had a major flashback where nearly all I could see was the room transformed into what the solitary room in Van Nuys Psych in 1997 looked like. I freaked. I told the doctor I needed to leave and that I couldn't handle the room. He told me I was on a hold and couldn't leave and wanted to take my shoes. I refused to give up my shoes. He told me if I tried to leave he would have me put in restraints and be injected with sedative. 

        My heart began to pound out of my chest. I imediately flashed back to Van Nuys Psych when they would threaten restraints. So my body tensed up, my heart began pounding faster and faster as I hear people being called, requests to get the restraints ready and a needle filled. I was thinking any second now I would be fighting, and that during such I could lose control and the PTSD would take over using WAY more force than I would use. I didn't want that to happen.

        I sat on the bed with my eyes closed doing my best to try to control how I was feeling. Finally I could take it no more. I got my backpack and began to leave. The guard (David Pugh) got in my way and tries to push me back into the room. I refused to go back in there. I couldn't. He began telling me about all the take down training he knew, and I was telling him about similar training. I knew we both had the same and more training. And a fight wouldn't end well for either of us. 

       I was terrified of getting into a fight. I was afraid that the PTSD would be tripped off and the security guard or other hospital staff could get hurt, I was afraid of them hurting me, and I was afraid of being put into restraints. The last time I was in restraints and sadated was back in 1997 in Van Nuys Psych. 

       Finally the guard asked if sitting in the hallway outside the room instead of IN the room would be better. I said yea, just as long as I didn't have to be in that damn room. And didn't want to be in restraints again. So I was glad the guard was willing to work with me. He even helped me calm down. And then the guard stayed on duty another hour to make sure the other guards didn't try to put me back in that room and rile everything back up again perhaps resulting in everything I wanted to prevent. 

       Yes I could fight, and I have no doubt I could take on 3, possibly 4 of them. But I know in doing that, it would require me to do serious injury to get them off of me. I already saw that risk when my brother set off the PTSD and had him around the neck nearly killing him. I didn't want to hurt these people and was going to do all I could to prevent it. So I was very happy when the guard (David Pugh) decided to work with me.  

     3 hours later mental health arrived and took me over to crisis intervention to be evaluated. In the end they decided to release me due to my past. With any hospital stays adding to the problem, sending me home was best. But with instructions to call thier suicide hotline if I felt like I did about wanting to overdose. So I was glad to be back home, and without having to re-experience being in restraints. Restraints is something I hope to never experience again. 

       On July 22nd 2012 I guess that was bound to happen sooner or later. I met my first in person jerk over the episode I did for TLC. Of course, had to be in Walmart, nice and public. So I am in line paying for my things and these three guys come up behind me. One recognizes me and says "Hey, that's that baby dude who wears diapers and sleeps in a crib. And his MOMMY takes care of him. That is fucking sick dude. Fucking discusting." and they go on and on talking crap about how sick and gross I am for role playing. 

Thankfully I am great at ignoring people. I finished my transaction and went home. Guess I couldn't get nice comments all the time. Don't know what their complaint was anyway, it's not them sleeping in a crib or drinking a bottle. And besides, I didn't force them to watch the episode, they choose to watch the show and thus I feel they have nothing to complain about. It isn't them living my life. Just say "to each their own" and move on. I didn't understand their need to make a huge scene. I swear, sometimes, I just don't get people. 

      On August 5th 2012 I had my first full length channeling session I did on my own. I was just waking up and suddenly heard Sandra's voice crystal clear. So we began talking and talked for like at least a half hour. Then all the sudden I lost contact and didn't hear her voice anymore. I guess I must have lost concentration or something. But it was still so cool to be able to hear her voice again. 

      Then on August 6th 2012, I had been in bed a few hours trying to get to sleep. I was laying on my back watching my fish tank hoping the fish swimming along would put me to sleep when I felt someone touch my leg. It was no maybe, I could literally feel someone's hand, fingers and all, touch my right leg and give a light squeeze. But funny enough I wasn't the least bit freaked out. It was kind of cool. I had no idea spirits could touch you. So that was neat.

       But what happened on the morning of August 7th 2012 shook me up. I am used to seeing visions of things that either have happened or are going to happen. But this was a first. My Angels showed me two incidents from two seperate past lives. The first lifetime incident I was shown was a lifetime where I am a young black child. It was very old times. Maybe 1930’s. Back when buildings were made solely from wood. Like the old west kind of look. 

I was accused of stealing something. I was black. Very young, maybe 5-8 years old. It was difficult to tell as I was viewing from in person through the child's eyes. Men came for me and others tried to hide me. The men began harming a little black girl saying if they gave me up they would let the little girl go. I went up front. The little girl was about 5. How they could hurt her I don’t know. My mom was behind me. 

I was put into shackles. But they had never been tested for a child apparently. So the guy in charge told two others to pull on them. I guess to make sure I couldn’t get free. At first all I could hear was my mother screaming for them to stop. Then after a few moments I heard the screams that clearly were mine, the child being a human tug of war. I was hearing the screams of a child being tortured, as well as hearing the screams of my mother screaming “NOOO”, screaming for them to stop. The screams of this child’s arms and legs being pulled by full grown men. How someone could do that to a child I will never know. 

I was screaming to my angels to stop showing me that. I couldn't take hearing that child's screams of being pulled apart any longer. It was torture. After what felt like minutes of the screaming it stopped. I had no idea black people were treated like that in those times. I knew they were treated like slaves, but I didn’t know blacks, even children were treated as less than human. It makes me sick to be white in this current lifetime. 

      Then I flashed into another lifetime. I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. Perhaps a bit older maybe. My dad was angry I had just wet my pants. I told him it was a accident, the front of my pants soaked. I hadn’t done it on purpose. All my dad cared about was what other people would think about him as a parent always seeing me in wet pants. So I guess the accidents were frequent. I was yelling back telling him it wasn’t on purpose. He was asking me if I wanted him to leave, to leave the family because he couldn’t stand the shame. Back then pants wetting or messing accidents and bed wetting were seen as a behavior problem. That children did it on purpose or were just lazy. So my dad was seen as either rasing a lazy child or rasing a unbehaved child. Either way he felt he was looked down on due to my day and night time accidents.

As we reached the second floor, just outside our house, my grandfather came down the hall and says “We might just have a solution to your "little problem"”. As I looked passed him I saw the wooden boxes. A crib, playpen, changing table and diapers. My dad spoke only two words in my defense “Oh dad, no”. I was terrified and upset that I was going to be punished for something I wasn’t doing on purpose. My grandfather had no expression. I was going to be punished, diapered in cloth diapers and treated like a baby for accidents I wasn’t doing on purpose until the accidents stopped. 

I woke up shortly after. The second lifetime explains some things. It would explain why I am a adult baby today. Why I am so into it and comfortable with the being in diapers, sleeping in a crib, drinking out of bottles and so on. It feels second nature to me. Why I feel so used to wetting my diaper. So my guess would be, that the lifetime I was punished for the bed/pants wetting was a recent one to this one. I know it wasn't my last one, I was a female in the Peace Corp. So perhaps the one before that one. That would make sense going by the dating of the items around me in the lifetimes I was shown. Making the black child accused of stealing the 3rd lifetime ago putting them in order.

But with the pants/bed wetting lifetime, that feeling in the pit of my stomach seeing those items. It was sheer terror. My heart was beating out of my chest. Would they do it all the time? Would it be only at home? So many questions were going through my mind seeing all those baby items. I might be a adult baby in this lifetime, but at that time, I didn’t want to be treated like that, like a baby. I can’t believe they would do that to me in that lifetime. It was just wetting accident. The pee washed out with a little water. I don't understand the huge deal that was made. 

But back then in those times, it was commonly believed that bed or pants wetting was a behavior problem. That kids did it on purpose or were lazy. And with that as public knowledge back then, it explains why my dad was so upset. People thought he was raising a lazy child or didn’t punish the bed and pants wetting out of me enough. But what my grandfather did was heartless. To get those baby items and have me treated like a baby, it wasn’t right. 

      It wasn’t the child’s fault at all that he was having accidents. No child wets their pants or bed on purpose. To think that is dumb. The child hates waking up in a cold wet bed as much as the parents hate finding out the child wet the bed and now has to do laundry. Back then, there just wasn’t enough medical research done at the time yet to prove that. Even today many people still believe that pants or bed wetting accidents are a sign of a bahavior problem or done out of lazyness. 

But for me it explains a lot about my current life now. Why the bed wetting and day time wetting in this lifetime feels so familiar. Why I feel so comfortable/used to being in diapers. Why I feel so comfortable in a crib, high chair, play pen, using pacifiers and baby bottles. It's because of that lifetime. Overall the new knowledge of these two lifetimes had been a bit much for me to handle. Over time though the knowledge of the past lives has reached a place where it doesn't bother me all the time. 

     Then on September 20th 2012 I had a bad flashback. I had sat down to watch a show called Paranormal Witness. People on the program reenact their experience with ghosts. In tonight’s case it went from enjoying a program to triggering a flashback. In the program, a family buys a old funeral home turned residential house. One of the kids living there had been having interactions with a pretty mean ghost. The boy tried to tell his mom about what was going on. That he was actually seeing and hearing the spirit. The spirit was actually taking control of the boy via possession over time. 

       What triggered me was the mom had called the boys doctor about what's been going on. The doctor was thinking Schizophrenia. So that night the mom made the boys favorite dinner and pretended like everything was fine/normal. That would have been a red flag to me that something was up. So a few minutes into the dinner 3 staff from a psychiatric hospital came into the dining room and grabbed the boy. The whole time the boy is asking his mom what he did wrong. 

       That instant I flashed back to May 2nd 1997. On May 2nd 1997 I was accused of giving a student a bloody nose. I didn't do it, but was blamed for it. So I was suspended and sent home. Everything seemed fine. My mom as expected was pissed off that I was suspended, but didn't talk to me about what happened. 

       So I went in to make some mac and cheese. In the 12 minutes it took to make the food and sit down to watch some TV while I ate, she had called the hospital to have me admitted. I am not going to go into it again since I share what happened that day on page 3 if you want to know the details again. 

       Anyway, the episode caused a flashback and then panic attack. Wasn't fun. I am aware of many of my triggers. But when I sat down to watch that show, I didn't expect to have a flashback triggered. Goes to show ya, triggers can be anywhere.

       On September 25th 2012, I finally got to play the new World of Warcraft expansion. I had been saving for 3 months to be able to get the game. It was worth it. Mists of Pandaria was hella cool. And I could get into the game a bit and try to forget the past a bit. 

      Then on October 1st I had a run in with another fan. I was at Walmart doing my food shopping and a guy behind me rode past me twice on a ride on shopping cart. Finally he asked if I had been on TV and if I was the adult baby. I told him he was right. He asked a few questions like when did the show air and stuff like that. 

      Then he said buy and got in line. I hear him behind me asking people in line if they knew who I was. Those who didn't, he explained who I was. Just drawing a lot of attention. I am glad to meet a fan and all, but I hate people making such a scene.

      So then on October 5th 2012 things got out of control spirit wise. I am used to having spirits push up my mattress or chair seats as if someone is under them pushing up with a broom stick. That's become a normal for me. But on October 5th things went from normal to serious.

       I had just finished gaming and went to lay down. I was almost asleep when I felt a weight on my legs from ankle to almost my hip. I assumed it was one of my cats laying on my legs and pushing the blanket down. Then a few moments later I felt what felt like fingers on my "privates". Before I realized when was going on, the ghost had caused me to climax. I was basically molested by a darn ghost I couldn't even see. 

       How do you even begin to comprehend what just happened to you? A man, you can't see or touch is able to do things to you and no way to stop it. That messes with your head to know anytime this ghost wants to get his rocks off you can be attacked. 5 days have passed since the first attack, and as of October 10th, it's happened 3 times. 

       As of November 6th the sexual attacks have ramped up. I lay down twice a day to sleep and each time I lay down I am sexually attacked. It began by the ghost masturbating me. And I thought that was bad enough.

       But for the last week the sexual attacks have gotten worse. In addition to the ghost masturbating me, it's began anal penitration. I can feel my butt cheeks being spread apart and something being inserted. It's painful. That's a out hole only. I can stop the attack by moving, but once I am still again, the attack begins again. I can't keep moving forever. Sooner or later I have to sit or lay down. So far the sexual attacks happen only in my bed, and in my recliner. I just don't know what to do with this situation. 

       But according to some research, it's more common than I would have thought. There are apparently some ghost hunting groups that go looking for ghosts who sexually attack people. I didn't even know that. I am waiting to hear from some fellow medium's to see if they can help since they are more experienced than I am. My second option is to rely on a ghost hunters group to see if they can help. 

        One of the things that worries me is this ghost can cause pain if it wants. Last night ( The night of November 5th 2012) I needed to get sleep for a interview about adult babies the next morning. So I was really resisting the sexual attacks. The ghost began trying to pull my stuffed dog from my arms. But I wouldn't let go. Then I could feel pressure in my mouth as if someone had a finger in my mouth. It's hard to describe the exact way it felt. 

       Anyway, I could feel pressure behind my teeth causing severe pain like having a tooth infection or something. Just really intense pain. When I stopped resisting the teeth pain stopped and the ghost did it's sexual thing for about 20-30 minutes and then left me alone. So the ghost made itself clear. Me resisting will be punished. So I don't know what to do about it. I just really want this ghost out of my house as soon as possible. And that's where I am right now as of Saturday November 6th 2012.

        In closing, running this site (www.bedwettingabdl.com), it's the best thing I can do. I greatly enjoy every second spent working on it, talking with the members. I happily spend every cent knowing it will help someone in some way when it's needed the most. I really enjoy helping people and providing all the site has to offer for free, and free of charge is how it will always be. 

        It's worth every penny if just one person is helped. I try to provide a safe, accepting, supportive and helpful site possible for everyone to use. I hope this page has helped you to get to know me a little better and I hope to see you around the site or on the message board some time. 

         If you are interested, you can click on the link below to see some pictures of me spending my free time. If you have any questions, you can e-mail me anytime at Stanley_19802@yahoo.com. Thank you for visiting my personal page and have a great day.

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