Hello Everyone,

        This page is to explain details about both the Taboo episode "Fantasy Lives" and the allegations of me and Sandra committing Social Security fraud by Senator Coburn as for some other issues. So here are the details of all that has been going on since the taping of the Taboo episode to present. 

       Before I get into everything, I wanted to address two things. The first is that I am not getting disability because I am a Adult Baby. No one can get on disability because they are a Adult Baby. I am on disability for legit, tested and well documented illnesses. Some of my legit, tested for and well documented illnesses is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), depression, bipolar 2, spinal injury, heart problems, self injury just to name a few. 

        All my illnesses have had extensive testing over the years, from qualified doctors. Many of my illnesses have been documented since age 10 when I was first enrolled in special education which many know do extensive testing far before my mom had applied for social security disability for me. 

        During my time in special education schools, I was seen weekly by a child psychologist and yearly was a full psychological evaluations. Everything that's ever happened to me is talked about in my biography in great detail. You can read it if you like by going to:

        I have records going back as far as 1990 to present day. My problems are all fully legit, and fully documented. No where on my SSI claim under illnesses does it say the reason I am getting disability payments is for being a adult baby. My role playing is a way for me to relax, not a disability that is being claimed for a disability. So once and for all, I am not getting SSI for being a Adult Baby. I am getting SSI for legit mental and physical illnesses. 

      Second, and also one of big issue is the "he's using my tax dollars to fund his fetish". So I wanted to address this first before anything else. Much of my AB things have been aquired over the last 16 years. I first got into the AB scene back in 1994 shortly after I began bed wetting. 

       In 1993, I began having bed wetting problems. And after months of washing sheets every day and drying my mattress with a clothes iron I decided to give diapers a try. While getting a soda from the local 99 cent store, I had happened to go down the baby isle on my way to pay for my soda and saw diapers. They had 4 diapers for a dollar. So I picked up a pack and decided to give them a try. They fit, but just barely. 

       The next morning, my bed was dry. But I found that they made me feel different. The biggest of course that I was dry and got a full night sleep. But I also had this feeling of being safe and babyish. Soon the role playing came to life. I got the urge to try a baby bottle and pacifire and it took off from there. 

       Over the years I have aquired bottles, pacifires, diaper bags, baby blankets and so on. By 18 I got my first job working security which gave me far more money to buy babyish items with. From that money also came the first crib in 2000. Once I moved in with Pam, Sandra and DJ in 2002, I got a lot of baby stuff for Christmas. 

       In those gifts came the baby blanket with a bear on it that is drapped over the front headboard of my crib. The Ocean Wonders crib toys were also gifts. The babyish items on the shelf above my crib in the episode. The sleeper was a gift from a well to do AB my first year in New York by one of the AB's Pam was babying at the time. 

       The playpen was one of the things I bought myself. I saved up the money I got from recycling bottles and cans from our house and others who give me their cans and such. The board in the bottom of the playpen was a scrap from the high chairs. The high chair supplies were bought by NatGeo. 

       The ONLY AB related things I buy with my disability check is not even really AB related. My medical insurance covers the diapers. Not the best, but it's better than wet pants. Anyway, the insurance doesn't cover powder, wipes or rash cream. So those 3 items are bought with my disability money at $20.00 per month. 

        No AB items are bought with SSI money as people assumed. So I wanted to address this myth right off. The SSI money pays for prescription co-pays, rent, food, electric and so on. The SSI monies are not funding my AB role playing. So now you know the truth.

       I was contacted in end of July 2010 by National Geographic. They asked me to post a message on my site asking for any AB’s wishing to take part in a Taboo episode to contact NatGeo. Later NatGeo contacted me again to ask how I would feel taking part in the episode myself. After thinking about it, I said sure. I have been open to those around me about my AB side so I figured why not. 

      We talked several times over the phone about me, how I got into the AB scene, that for me role playing as a baby is non-sexual. NatGeo after interviewing several others decided they wanted to go with me not just because being AB for me is non-sexual, but also because I was the only one willing to go on camera without having my face blacked out or my voice changed. 

      Although there are AB/DL’s who do find it sexual, many do not. Not that there is anything wrong with those who do find it sexual. It's just that NatGeo wanted to go with someone who wasn't into it sexually. So they interviewed other AB’s who responded to NatGeo’s request, and after they talked with other adult babies that were interested they decided to go with me. 

     So I explained to NatGeo the kinds of activities that AB’s do. For example, bottle feedings, diaper changes, getting tucked into bed, playing with toys, reading a story and more. So NatGeo explained to me which of the things they wanted to film. 

       Also, while being asked about my nursery, we got onto the subject of what AB furniture is out there and which AB furniture I personally had. When I mentioned I had been thinking about how to build a high chair and had a few idea’s but never had the money to make it happen, NatGeo asked me more about the high chair. 

      They told me if I was willing to build the high chair, they would pay for all the supplies. I couldn't turn that down. But I told them I needed a few weeks time to build it due to my back injury and other issues. I had been wanting my own high chair for a very long time but never had anywhere close to the money to buy one online or make one.

      The issue was, to make the chair, it had to be made using only a power drill, a jig saw and a palm sander as those were all the tools I have. So I e-mailed over a copy of the plans for the high chair using the tools I had. It wasn’t anything fancy but it did the job using a simple design. NatGeo liked the design and after a guess of the price, they approved it and sent me over $250.00 to make and paint the first adult baby high chair they wanted me to make. 

       The idea was to make 2 of them. The idea being to build and have one high chair totally ready when the film crew arrived so we can start taping with it right away, and just film the second one being put together later. Also building the first one would help me iron out mistakes as it was the first high chair so the second one was made easier. 

       A few days later I made my trip to Lowes. Because of my spinal injury, I couldn’t lift those large pieces of wood on my own. Lifting anything over 15-20 pounds hurts a lot. So thankfully 2 staff there got the wood down for me, and cut it on their on-site saw and even loaded it into the minivan for me. NatGeo also ok'ed some of the money to go to saw horses to so I didn't have to hurt myself bending over straining my back. Those helped a lot. 

      Once I got it home, I took my time getting it all out of the car. Unloading the wood was done over the course of 3 days. Then I was able to start on making the chair. Out of the $250.00 I bought 2 sets of (2) saw horses to bring the project up to waist high to reduce back pain. And I could work about 1-2 hours a day split up with half hour breaks between periods of work. 

       Overall, the chair took me about 2 weeks to build with Sandra’s help. And then with Sandra’s help again, I got most of it painted. I could not possibly have been able to build the chair in even the two weeks period of time without Sandra's help. 

       But in the end, I still ran out of time to get the painting done in time. Only the outside of the chair was painted. On the inside of the chair, the part directly under the seat of the chair is still unpainted to this day. Also I was unable to finish painting the bottom of the chair. 

      During the time it took to make the high chair, NatGeo e-mailed me to confirm the dates they wanted to shoot which was August 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st 2010. film crew arrived at 2pm on the first day of filming. 

     They had wanted to film me and another AB doing a play date, but sadly we were not able to find anyone else to come over for a play date in time. But there was plenty of other things to film so we really didn’t need it all that much. 

       On the first day, they filmed a interview with me, and one with Sandra. It took a bit doing the interviews because kids outside playing was being picked up in the microphone so we had to wait for them to be quiet again. Even the AC and fans had to be turned off because the microphones were that sensitive. 

      Then they filmed me and Sandra doing a few minutes of site work for on our computers. They filmed Sandra doing her “Ask Mommy” and “Ask A Mom” questions for the website. 

      Then they filmed the process of making the diaper tapes we make. Sandra draws the designs and I scan them and arrange them to be printed on the tapes. We also discussed about the crib and high chair plans that are sold on the site from time to time too. The tapes and crib and high chair plans help to cover the cost of the site to continue to make it free for anyone to use. 

       Sadly only 2 sets of plans on average are sold per year. But since the site survives on donations, every little bit counts. We don’t make hundreds in donations. Not even close. We make on average about 5-10 dollars a month. I pay the remainder needed to keep the site going each month out of what I get from recycling cans and 2 liter bottles.

        Later that evening we filmed getting the wood and all to make the high chair at my local Lowes hardware store. Because of all that had to be done, that first day of filming I began to take double doses of my pain medication to be able to do everything. 

       To be able to do much of the things I did during the taping, I had to take double doses of my pain medications to handle the pain. I normally take 4 doses of pain meds daily. But two doses taken during the 6 hours of filming were double doses. It’s not good to take that much pain meds, and can cause serious damage. But my thinking at the time was I couldn't do it all without the extra medication to block the pain, and also since I was only doing it for the 4 days of filming I felt it was worth the risk for the greater good that the episode would and has done. 

       Anyway, the Lowes filming took 4 hours all by itself to film. They had to shoot and re-shoot scenes to get what they needed. They shot many things from 2 or 3 different angles. Then they had me pick something off the shelf, put it back and take it back off again a few times at different speeds of movement and such. I guess so they could choose what shot to use. So it makes sense to take several shots of the same thing to have plenty to choose from. It was quite labor intensive. 

        It took awhile because they had a high def camera so it took a while to set the camera up before we could actually start. The producer also paid another $250.00 or so to Lowes for the supplies of the second high chair as well. 

       During the walking through the Lowes store, aside from the 3 2X4’s I was seen picking up in the episode, 3 Lowes staff members were picking up and cutting everything else for me. And the Lowes staff also loaded all the wood into the car and the film crew unloaded it for me when I got back home from Lowes. Had I had to do all that myself, I would have been in far more pain that I already was in during that filming.

       Walking through the store, I was in a lot of pain. I can’t really walk more than a block or two before the pain becomes unbearable. What wasn't seen on film was many times during the time at Lowes I sat down and had to rest. Although I took double my pain medication of (2 5/500mg Vicodine, one 10mg Flexiril, a 10mg Baclofen and a 10mg Methadone all taken every 6 hours), it still wasn’t enough to control the pain. Even the adjustable hospital bed that normally helps wasn't even enough.

      The pain comes from my spine about half way up my back where my spinal injury occurred during a child abuse attack. The spinal injury happened back in 1996 during a child abuse attack. It’s mentioned in my biography on page 3 of 9 (
Stanleys_personal_page_Part3.html) up by the top of the page. All of the details of my life, as well as all the abuse is mentioned in my biography. It has all the facts about my life and is worth a read if you wish to know all the facts.

      Anyway, I told the filming staff I had to stop for the day as I just couldn’t do anymore after getting home from Lowes with the wood. So the film crew left for the remainder of the day.

       The second day I woke up in severe pain. My feet hurting from all the walking around, and my spine was killing me. To be able to do more filming, I decided to take another double dose of my pain medication and lay on the heating pad till the film crew came 3 hours later to continue filming. I didn’t tell the film crew I was in pain, and didn’t tell Sandra because I didn’t want to worry her or the film crew. 

        Sandra cares about me and would have told me to stop doing the filming. I didn’t want to stop because this was a rare chance to show those in the general public what role playing as a baby was REALLY about. I wanted those AB’s out there too to know that they are not crazy. That they are not alone in wishing to role play as a baby. So it was worth it all. I wanted to show was what it looked like and what I get out of doing it. 

       So on that second day we did some shoots in the garage filming me sanding, drilling and all with putting the second high chair together. We were doing some of that movie magic. We were filming me put together one of the several figure 8’s that support the chair’s weight. 

       I understand many people probably feel me and Sandra's weight comes from sitting around all day eatting junk food. That's not the case, but highlights that many people are quick to assume the worst in people. 

       For Sandra, her weight is not even close to being related to eatting tons of food. When she was in her early 20's, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that soon began pressing on her optic nerve rending her blind. The hospital said if they did operate, she would be left a vegtable. 

       Well, that clearly was not the case. Although she had died on the table during the brain surgery in her 20's, she fought to survive for her kids. She didn't want to leave them behind. She worked hard in rehab as well. And although she survived, it came with many problems. 

        Due to her tumors location, it caused many problems. One being that her body no longer sweat, thus was unable to regulate the body temp. This happened on June 15th when she passed out and nearly died when her wheelchair died and I couldn't get her out of the heat. 

       Another issue was that she needed to begin taking staroids. As many know, people in sports often took staroids to get big and large. For Sandra, this was the main reason she got big. And as many think, it had nothing to do with food. The largest meals she ever ate was a ham sandwitch with a few chips. Sandra was just happy to be alive from such a deadly illness. She wasn't even supposed to survive the tumor removal and was on over 25 medications all working to keep her alive. 

       As for me, I used to be hella skinny. At 16 I was 190 pounds when I broke my ankle. Due to 6 weeks of not getting out and bike riding all the time, I gained some weight up to 220 pounds. And then a few months later I was attacked by a guy who put his knee on my spine and applied his full adult weight. This is also in my biography that explains the incident. 

      Anyway, the guy caused a painful spinal injury. I am lucky to even be able to walk. The injury made it painful to walk farther than a block or two, or to drive for more than a half hour to 45 minutes. At home, I switch back and fourth between my recliner chair and the hospital bed. I do the best I can weight wise. I'm only eatting once a day. I have $90.00 a month for food. So I just do the best I can. 

     Then in mid 2001 I had my mental break down. Prior to the break down, the PTSD was more or less managable. I had minor nightmares and managable flashbacks. However after the breakdown, the PTSD became out of control causing major lack of sleep and the flashback triggers in the outside environment such as the AMR (American Medical Responce) ambulances, I stopped going out unless I have to go out such as doctor appointments. At least I could control the triggers in my home. And the depression also got worse due to the out of control PTSD. 

      Between the back injury, PTSD and depression, I gained weight over the years. By 2002 I was 240 pounds. By 2004 I was 262 pounds. By 2006 I was nearly 300 pounds. And currently I am 347 pounds. Although I am trying to eat better, my food budget is just $90.00 a month for food. And sadly the good-for-you foods typically are expensive. So I have to often go for pastas and TV dinner type foods that sadly are not exactly the best for weight loss. But I just do the best I can. 

       Anyway, back to the Taboo filming. With the finished chair, the film crew wanted to film the fully built chair to make it appear as if I built the chair in 2-3 day’s time. When in reality, the fully done chair was done already, and the figure 8 I drilled and made on camera was the only part of the second high chair I actually made on film over the 4 days of filming. NatGeo made it all come together great. Got to love movie magic.

      Anyway, filming in the garage was hard because we had the garage door open a little for better light and people walking by would see the camera and lights and would poke their head in, or start talking while we were trying to film. It was a bit annoying like after the 5th retake of the same scene. But that’s the way it is, someone sees a camera and has to get into it. So it took longer having to reset when someone started talking, asking questions and such. 

        Later after a half hour break, we did a scene on the sofa where Sandra did a spoon feeding of a jar of baby food that the producer brought. I like baby food, but it’s rare. I mostly go for bottles of warm milk. Anyway, then they filmed me cooking a dinner of shells, sauce and hamburger mixed together. 

       That took awhile because if they missed me stirring or adding something they would have me do it again. There was 2 takes of me just taking the meat out of the fridge among other retakes. So I had to keep sitting down while everything was cooking because I just couldn’t stand the whole time. 

      After it was done we switched and set up in the living room with the high chair. They asked me to wear my sleeper to help the scene feel more babyish. The sleeper from the show is the one and ONLY adult size baby clothing I have. And even that was a Christmas gift from the first Christmas in New York with Pam. I just don’t have the money for other AB clothing. But better have the one sleeper than nothing at all.

      Anyway, it was hot having that sleeper on though in the 90 degree summer weather. So we kept the fans and AC on till the last possible second before the camera was turned on to stay cool. And then we would turn the AC’s and stuff back on after the shot was done.

        So I sat in the high chair while Sandra handed me the food and we ate while I was wearing my sleeper. That took about 4 takes, plus they did a few still shots with a digital camera. After we got the shots, Jeremy (the producer) and Geoff (the camera guy) both took turns sitting in the high chair posing for pictures like they were being fed. 

       One picture I have is of Jeremy feeding Geoff a spoon of food. We did get some time to goof off and talk between scenes. After that we called it a night. I took my double dose of pain meds and went right to bed to rest my back laying on the heating pad. 

        The third day the crew arrived again around 3pm and Jeremy handed me a set of jumper cables. The reason was that on that morning me and Sandra had to run a errand. While we were out, we were having problems with the battery in the car. We had to call our roadside service that came with our car insurance policy to come out and give us a jump to get back home. It turned out the battery that was in the car when we bought it was 10 years old, and was only rated for 3. So it was seriously failing. 

       On average we could only start the car two times per day or the battery would die if you tried to start it again. We just didn’t have the money for a new battery at the time. We have AAA that’s included in our car insurance, but we can only call for them 3 times a year and any calls after that we have to pay for and that day we had to call the AAA service to get home. 

      So once I got home, I called Jeremy and asked him if he had cables in his rental car just in case we needed a jump. He didn’t have any cables. But he went out and got a set of jumper cables for us and gave them to us when he came that afternoon. It was very nice of him, he really didn’t have to do that. 

       Anyway, on that third day we filmed me in the nursery doing a few things like a tour of the nursery. We did a shot with the play pen in the room with me inside playing with Lego’s. We did one with me in the living room in the play pen playing with Playdoh. After that shoot Geoff got in the play pen to try it out and played with Playdoh. Then we packed up around 6pm to go and film the shot at the local park. 

      Normally if I have a good day and I feel up to going to the park I go at 6am when the sun first come up when they just open and no one is there. I go early so I can play on the swing without anyone watching and pointing. And I don’t like crowds in general. Well they needed to film during good sunlight hours. So we went at 6pm instead. 

      On the way we all stopped at the gas station to refuel. Jeremy again shocked me and Sandra by telling us to refuel our van as well on his dime. We were almost on E. It cost $55.00 to fill the tank. Jeremy didn’t have to do that. Hell 2 gallons would have been enough for the two places we would have had to go to finish filming other than the house. It was very nice of him. 

     Anyway, after we finished getting gas we headed over to the park. It was still VERY busy. So we filmed a few shots of me just driving up and walking out of the shot to the swings. That took 3 takes to film due to the kids wanting to know if we were from one of the news stations or something. But the park was still very busy even after that. Jeremy wanted the shot anyway. So I did something I don’t like doing, I got on the swing in front of all the people there. 

     Jeremy had everyone around the swing step out of the shot and he filmed me once again driving up, getting out and going to swing. The swinging took like 15 minutes if I remember right. It was difficult because everyone was watching me. It made it hard to relax in front of so many people. 

       I am not even sure I smiled at all I was so nervous. I am not much for a crowd. I don’t do role playing around other people. And for me, swinging on the swing was not something I do around people. In this case however, I had to do it to get the shot. So I took a deep breath and did it. It was a crowd with all eyes on me, so that made it difficult. I couldn’t be happier when he called cut and we packed up. Hopefully it was usable. 

     So from there we took a dinner break for a hour. Me and Sandra ate and Sandra needed to lay down and rest for a few hours. She was feeling real sick. So while she was sleeping the crew returned and we continued filming with just me. For this they filmed me in the room again, this time on the floor in the sleeper playing with Puppy and some Lego’s making like Puppy was eating the Lego’s and all. Laying on the floor like that hurt my back a lot. So we only did 2 takes before I had to stop, get up and sit in my recliner and rest my back before we could do anything else. 

      From there we set up again in the living room floor to do a similar scene, this time playing with army men and trucks staging a play war. Again it hurt my back and after 2 takes required another break in my chair to rest my back. Then from there they filmed me in the high chair in the room as a baby with puppy on my shoulder. By this time Sandra had woken up so we set up a mock bed time scene. 

      Sandra was in her bed, me in my sleeper laying back on her with me drinking a bottle of apple juice while she read me a story. From there I got in bed and they filmed me in the crib from a few angles. Then they had Sandra came in and she tucked me in, sang a lullaby and then turned off the light in the room on the way out. Then a few minutes later we set up and did a mock morning where she came in, woke me up and went from there. 

      Jeremy asked if I ever walked around in a diaper and T-shirt normally. I said when it’s just me and Sandra ya. But it’s taken me knowing Sandra for almost 8 years before I was comfortable enough to do that around her. We called a night with that. But I said I really didn’t feel like doing something like that on camera. But he asked me to think it over anyway. And he and the crew left for the night.

        On the 4th day they had us meet them at the supermarket they lined up to shoot me doing the monthly food shopping.  Jeremy told me to shop like I normally did. He said National Geographic will be picking up the bill. I was a bit shocked, but still I wasn’t going to take advantage and start just grabbing up everything. I’m not like that. He filmed me getting a shopping cart, picking out some food. 

        It was a little difficult because the store was active while we were shooting. We had people walking in the shot, kids screaming so we had several re-takes. I was getting tired and the pain was getting worse and worse the longer it took. We almost lost Goeff (the camera guy) during one take when he accidentally backed into a isle display he didn’t see. I was glad he didn't fall or get hurt.

      We went down the baby isle as well getting a package of size 5 (the largest they had) pack of Luvs that I use as diaper doublers to boost absorbency of the adult diapers. He had me pick it up 4 different times, place it in the cart and walk out of the shot. Same with the pacifier and jars of baby food as well. 

     We got to the meat section where he asked me to get the things we used to make the dinner the other night. He then pointed out the steaks I passed up due to the price and told me to get some if I wanted. But I felt it was way too much to spend, even on someone else’s dime. 

     He insisted it was ok. He seemed a bit bothered that I wasn’t taking advantage of the situation. Sorry, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. So we picked out a few other things and went to check out. 

     The total for the food was like $320.00 something dollars. Sadly the store we shopped at, the prices for items were double to triple the price at say a place like Wal-mart or Winco so we can’t afford to shop there other than that one time. But Jeremy just couldn’t get permission from Wal-mart or Winco. 

     So we had to find a privately owned location, and that meant higher prices. I just felt a little bad for having gotten so much. But Jeremy said it was perfectly fine. Still though, he didn’t have to do that. I had no problem going very cheaply. But in the end, the store shopping didn’t make it into the episode. 

        From there we came home, and the film crew helped me unload the car and put the food away. Then we filmed me and Sandra coloring with me while I was in a diaper and T-shirt. Sadly the coloring with Sandra didn’t make it into the episode either. 

        And then finally some last minute shots of me in my room playing and something Jeremy called a “Hero Shot” of me standing still for several minutes in regular street clothes, and then a shot in a diaper and T-shirt. 

        Then they packed up to head to Sheela Stocks (my old therapist) for her interview about the psychological side of why someone would be a adult baby and then they moved on to their next shooting. That was about it. I however spent almost 2 weeks solid in bed recovering from everything. But in the end, it was worth the 2 weeks of recovery from doing the show. I do have some pictures from the taping though HERE. And you can see pictures of the finished high chair by going "HERE"

       The actual episode first aired on May 2nd 2011. You can view a copy of the AB portion of the “Fantasy Lives” Taboo episode “HERE”. One thing people assumed was that I got paid all these thousands of dollars for appearing in the Taboo episode. I didn’t get any actual money. I was given a set of jumper cables, a tank of gasoline, a shopping basket of food and 4 saw horses along with the high chair supplies. But no actual money. 

        I didn’t do the show for money, or the things we got. We had intended to do the show before we knew about anything we got. Me and Sandra just wanted our site mentioned. That was it. In the end I did it because I love the AB/DL community and I want to get the truth out about what the role playing actually is about and dispel some of the many myths out there. 

        I did it to make a difference to let people know AB/DL’s are not sick, dangerous or anything like that. And to let AB/DL’s know there is nothing wrong with them. That they are not sick, perverted, a danger to children or anything else. It’s done as a way to relax and have fun. It’s done in private and does not cause harm to ourselves or others. That’s why I did the episode. 

       Of course as soon as it aired, the news papers and such all e-mailed me asking if they could get a interview. I did my best to weed out those who just wanted to poke fun from those who were truly curious about the AB lifestyle. 

        Before doing the Taboo show, me and Sandra discussed the risk of being made fun of and such prior to even doing the show. But we decided we were ready to take people cracking jokes about our weight as we are big people, taking people calling us freaks and the sort, prepared to take people making faces and we were prepared for even the death threats of “If I see you walking around town I am going to kick your ass!!”. 

        But a few weeks before the Taboo episode aired, Sandra was feeling sick and almost died. For 2 years before Taboo came out to start the taping for the episode, and even during the taping of the episode, Sandra has been going to wound care to get some wounds healed that were not healing fast enough.  

        Her visiting nurse felt she probably just had the flu or something, but said that if she still felt sick in another few days for her to go to the ER. 2 days later it was 6am on May 14th 2011 and before I went to lay down I went in to grab a hug and check on how she was feeling. 

        I got this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, something wasn’t right. Sandra said she was feeling real bad. She said she had a headache, felt weak and felt really dizzy. I decided to have her go to the ER. After what happened to Pam in 2004, I wasn’t going to ignore that gut feeling twice. And thankfully this time I was glad I didn’t ignore it. 

        When I tried to help her stand up to get dressed. She could not get her legs to work. So I called for a ambulance to take her to the hospital instead. Sadly they sent a AMR (American Medical Response) ambulance. It’s the same one that was used to take me to the psych ward when my mom would call to send me to the psych ward for punishment. So that was highly triggering.

        Anyway, they got her to the hospital where she began to have bad chest pain. And later that morning she was moved to the ICU. 3 days later she had a heart attack and died for a few minutes. She later shared with me a NDE (Near Death Experience) of seeing Pam who died in 2004 who asked Sandra to return back as Pam didn’t want me to be alone. So Sandra came back.

        2 weeks later Sandra was moved out of the ICU to a regular room. However a few days later she was taken back to the ICU for a day when a nurse checking her over removed her covers to find her laying in a pool of blood. A day and 9 units of blood later she was allowed to get out of the ICU and back to a regular hospital room. A few days later the Taboo show aired.
        What we were not prepared for was Senator Coburn’s little crusade. Apparently a Senator in Oklahoma who claims to be a MD saw the Taboo episode and decided that from what he saw he felt we had to be defrauding SSI and asked for both me and Sandra to be investigated. 

        Coburn sent a letter to SSI asking for them to do a evaluation of both me and Sandra and actually sent a copy to the president of the United State as if me and Sandra were public enemy number one or something. He also contacted the Senator of California and also got the Attorney General’s Office and the FBI to start a investigation of their own into possible SSI fraud. So instead of just calling up and telling SSI me and Sandra could possibly be getting SSI unjustly, he ordered a 3 agency investigation.

       You would think a Senator, who is often on TV would know that TV shows are edited and only show the best scenes. And you would think that a so called MD would know not every disability can be seen with just looking at someone, on tv, and over all of 12 minutes. After all, the episode was about the role playing, not "Sandra and Stanley's medical disorders requiring SSI benifits". 

        First, me and Sandra have always been honest about ourselves on this site and in person. We hide nothing. If we really were defrauding the government, why would we go on national TV and expose ourselves to everyone if we were doing something wrong? And if we were defrauding the government, why would I have a detailed biography? But still it wasn’t enough for Coburn. 

        Around the end of May, I got a e-mail from the Washington Times asking me what I thought about Coburn accusing me of SSI fraud and having my SSI stopped. The e-mail from the woman at the Washington Times was the first I had heard of anything from Coburn. 

       My reply to her e-mail was not my best, Clearly. I was not anywhere near a good place mentally to be responding to her e-mail. Not only was I dealing with trying to help Sandra get better, but I was getting e-mail attacks, people trying to attack and delete my site, dealing with my own mental health issues at the time. My PTSD has gotten worse over the last year and have finally just been able to find a therapist who would take my insurance. 

       And now I have some senator I don’t even know threatening to get my disability canceled and throw me in jail for something I didn’t do. So yea, I was quite the mess mentally and should not have replied to that e-mail in that mindset. But I did.

       So when I got her e-mail asking me how I felt about being accused of SSI fraud and how I felt about Coburn saying no matter what that he would see that my SSI benefits were cut off, I lost it. I wrote her back basically saying that on top of everything if my SSI was canceled I would lose my home, my things, my 2 cats and would be homeless with no way to even eat and if that was the case, would rather be dead. 

       It just was not the best reply, but like I said, at the time I was not thinking right. However instead of seeing that something wasn’t right in the response, she just published it making it sound like some greedy kid being like “If you don’t give me candy I will hold my breath!”. That wasn’t how it was at all. 

       Had she written back later when everything calmed down, I would have responded saying “I welcome the investigation if that’s what’s needed to relive people’s curiosity if me and Sandra were really disabled and that we have nothing to hide”. But because Washington Times posted my reply when I was highly stressed out and not thinking properly, the public got the totally wrong idea about me and Sandra. 

       So around the end of May me and Sandra both got a letter from SSI along with Social Security re-evaluation paperwork. Normally SSI does a re-evaluation on people every 2 years to see if the person is still disabled. I got my last re-evaluation last year. But because of Coburn’s request, SSI sent out the paperwork for another one. 

      Now the SSI paperwork had me going into the SSI office in 6 days. Instead on the morning I was supposed to in I get a phone call at 9am saying they are coming over to my house in a half hour in person instead. I was still in bed. So I had to get up, change myself and get some pain medication going before they got to the door. 

     So 9:30am they finally show up. But not just SSI. I got the SSI investigator, a woman from the attorney general’s office, and a guy from the FBI along with 2 local cops at my door. I was like oooookkkkk. Just a little overkill you think? So everyone came in. The 2 cops left a few minutes later. I have no idea why cops were there.

      So the SSI investigator helped me finish filling out the paperwork and then asked me about how much I pay for rent, if I have a car, and all those details while the other two investigators waited quietly. 

      So with me and the SSI investigator done, now it was the other two’s turn. The woman from the attorney general’s office and the guy from the FBI start in. First question right off the top “where’s the thousands of dollars Taboo paid you?”. Huh? What thousands? They were under the impression that Taboo had paid me and Sandra several thousand dollars to appear on the show. Nope. 

      So once the figured out that I don’t have any bank accounts or credit cards they finally dropped it. But not before wanting the e-mail for the producer of Taboo to be able to contact Taboo and check with them to make sure I didn’t get paid thousands of dollars. 

     Oh, this took a half hour of trying to explain that I didn’t get paid to do the show. That I WANTED to do it. Plus having my site’s address on national TV was pretty cool as far as I was concerned. I did the show because I wanted to help people, not make money.

      So now that they are done with the thousands of dollars debate. Now they both want to walk through the whole house and see what kinds of things I have. They went into the nursery. Looked at each bottle of medication I have. Looked at the minivan. Basically looked all over. I guess they wanted to see if I was hiding a 70 inch plasma screen TV or spinning rims in a back closet or something. 

     So after a hour and half of being interrogated by all 3 agencies they finally left. So I called Sandra. I was pissed off to say the least. To get woken up at 9:30am in the morning and accused of hiding thousands of dollars from SSI and being accused of defrauding the government, yea, I was pissed off. You would be too being accused of something you didn’t do. 

     What really pissed me off was what happened toward the end of the phone call with Sandra. Now, I am talking to Sandra and all the sudden in walks the 3 investigators to her hospital room. Yea. Sandra’s recovering from a near leathal sepsis infection and heart attack and here are 3 people interrogating her in the darn hospital room. 

     All the same questions. As soon as the SSI investigator finishes helping her finish her SSI re-evaluation paperwork they start in with “So, where is the thousands of dollars that Taboo paid you and Stanley?”. “Do you have any recent bank statements?”. It just really pissed me off. I have nothing against a investigation, but not while someone is recovering IN THE HOSPITAL from a serious infection and heart attack trying to survive. 

       In the end, all 3 agencies tell me they didn’t find any evidence of fraud. But yet say nothing to the new agencies wanting to make sure me and Sandra were indeed cleared. They just tell the new agencies “We can’t talk about that”. So then I don’t hear about anything from any investigators for months.

        So on June 2nd, Sandra is well enough to come home. She still was unable to walk, so they sent home a lift and sent a manual wheelchair. But the visiting nurses only are able to come to the house till June 17th unless Sandra can be seen by a doctor. Ok, no one told us that before they discharged her. 

       So we finally were able to get Sandra a appointment for June 15th. I get Sandra in her wheelchair and soon after the medical transport van shows up to take her to her appointment. Half way to the appointment Sandra starts having problems breathing and is in pain. But for some reason, it’s not clear why. The driver of the transport van was able to get her unloaded from the transport van but with all she had going on, I decided to have her go to the hospital instead. 

     I called for a ambulance. The ambulance comes and she is able to answer two questions before she phases out. She’s looking forward but won’t respond. So they get her into the ambulance and start working on her. But I got worried when the ambulance crew calmly starts walking away and they close the ambulance and drive away no lights or siren. 

     No one comes over to tell me anything, they just leave. What would you think? I thought she died. Especially after I called Mercy Medical Center where she was supposed to be taken and found there was no one there under that name. So I freaked. 

       4 hours later I get a call saying Sandra’s at the other hospital in town and alive. Gee, thanks for telling me 4 hours earlier instead of leaving me thinking she was dead. So Sandra was in the ICU for 3 days and then was transferred to the main floor. 

       So after a little over 2 weeks the doctor comes in and says Sandra has been approved for stomach reduction surgery. The doctor tells us that the surgery will remove her stomach mass and close the wound on her stomach that got the sepsis infection. It is going to be done 1/3rd and close the stomach wound and send her home to recover and then remove another 1/3rd and then recover and then the last 1/3rd.

      So on July 6th I got there early to hang out before the surgery. The doctor came up around noon to take Sandra down for pre-op. So while Sandra was in surgery I went over to get the laptop for her so she could play her games and such as she was getting board watching tv. 

      She just really wanted out of the hospital and to go back home. I didn't blame here. Total, she had been in the hospital for nearly 3 months straight. During those 3 months, she was only home for 2 weeks. So I didn't blame her for wanting to be back home and comfortable. 

      So I got back to the hospital around 3pm and she was still in surgery. So I waited around till almost 6pm. Finally the doctor comes out to talk to me. He tells me she made it through surgery and will be transferred to the ICU to recover. That’s also when he tells me he did all 3 stomach parts at once. My stomach dropped. 

      So he goes back in the OR and a few minutes later I hear “Code Blue OR 4, Code Blue OR 4” over the intercom. For the second time in 20 minutes my stomach sank. I knew it was Sandra before I even checked the board. Yep, Sandra was in OR 4. I knew, but I was hoping I was wrong. 

      I finally stopped a nurse to ask if she could go back and tell me for sure if it was Sandra. After almost a half hour the doctor comes out and says that it was indeed for Sandra. That her heart had stopped but he got it going again and soon would be moving Sandra to the ICU to recover shortly.

     3 hours later she was stable enough to move to the ICU where she was supposed to spend a few days recovering and that when she was ready, the ventilator would come off. I walked by her bed to the ICU but was told to wait outside while they got her settled.

     4 hours later of waiting outside the ICU the doctor comes out and said he was having problems. He said that Sandra is bleeding from inside the wound he closed up and that he wanted to open the wound back up and stitch the bleeding inside closed. He decided to open her back up in the ICU. 

     So he sent out 3 staff running back and forth from the ICU to the OR to get arm fulls of supplies. I knew something wasn't right. I could feel the bleed where the surgeon was working. It was on the far left side of the wound. I knew something was wrong because my gut feeling was screaming at me that something wasn't right. 

    The doctor came out 2 hours later telling me they have gone through nearly 10 bags of blood trying to stop the bleeding. And the doctor said Sandra would probably not make it through the night. I asked to go in anyway. I wanted to at least be able to say goodbye BEFORE she died. I know I must have seemed angry. I didn't want to sit outside while she died just feet away from me. 

    The doctor told me to give him a few minutes to make her presentable. So while I waited, I channeled everyone's prayers and well wishes into this huge ball of light. I am not good at long distance healing, but I was going to try anyway. I sucked up every ounce of healing energy and sent it to Sandra. And that’s fine if people don’t believe in that. But I do and that’s what I did.

     Finally I was allowed to go in. Body wise, she looked awesome. Had she fully recovered, I know she would have loved it. But she was in bad shape. There was several blood soaked towels on the floor and some in a bag. And because she tried to remove the breathing tube, they had her in restraints. That was highly triggering for me to see. 

     But she was alert. When she saw me, she looked at me and wanted to say something. She just kept squeezing my hand. She was scared. I could feel it. But not for herself. She was scared for me. I got the feeling she was concerned for me seeing her like that. She could tell I was very scared. But out of all I felt, and most important, I could feel the love she has for me. 

      But I went right to what I wanted to do. I put my hands on her, closed my eyes, and began healing. I did it in front of everyone. I didn't care who saw me doing it or what people thought. I used every ounce of power I had at the time, and when that was gone, I took in what pain I could. I truely felt I could save her. 

      In the end, it just wasn't enough to stop the bleeding. At the time, I felt bad that I couldn't stop the bleeding. And later I would come to learn that there wasn't anything I could do, and that it was simply just her time to go. But I felt I had to try anyway.

      45 Minutes later I was asked to step back outside when blood began dripping off the bed onto the floor. I sat outside the ICU for another two hours while another 4 more bags of blood was flown in from Sacramento. The 4 bags would be given to Sandra so I would have time to say goodbye. 

       A little before Midnight I was allowed back in to say my final goodbye's. I had them give her morphine for the pain. I sat and held Sandra's hand and kept telling her that I love her, and that it's ok, that she could go to heaven. And at 12:36am on July 7th, she took her last breath.

       I won’t lie, it hurt. It hurt deeper than when both of my friends Pam and DJ/Darien died. I barely made it to the car before I broke down. I pretty much cried the whole way home and then on and off for the next three days. And not just cry, but cry from the gut so hard it hurt. Sandra was the last of 3 people I have ever felt as close to. I know that seems messed up to my other friends, but that’s just how me, Sandra, DJ and Pam were. We were as connected as 4 people can be. We were family. And so having the last of them go to heaven, it really hurt. 

      But no break to morn from SSI. In the mail that same day Sandra died was another re-evaluation packet. 10 pages requesting details on what I do from the minute I wake up till the minute I go to bed. What medical problems I have, what medications I take. How far I can walk, hold long I can stand, how long I can sit, do I drive, how far I can drive, if I can cook, what meals I cook, how long the meals take to cook and on and on. And then I had only 10 days to fill everything out.

Anyone with an online master of health administration degree should realize that most people need more time to fill out important paperwork like that. Even health administrators who are used to dealing with complicated forms and applications would find the paperwork intimidating. 

      So I handed in this paperwork and went back to packing up the 3 bedroom apartment the best I can. With Sandra gone, I couldn't afford the rent anymore and had to leave. I got a storage unit for 90% of my things and found a room to rent. Thankfully I have had help from some people in the apartment building helping me pack along with my mom I had just started talking to 2 weeks before Sandra died. 

       I just couldn't get enough done myself. And sadly, I have had to accept that some things just had to get left behind. At the time I was also getting Sandra’s cremation done. That was a mess. Thankfully Sandra’s dad paid the funeral home the thousand dollars for the cremation. 

     Then to my surprise, on the 25th I got a call from my SSI worker that the first packet had gotten lost and was found and so I didn't need to fill out the second packet after all. And then she let me know I should be getting a award letter confirming everything shortly. And that SSI had found me innocent of any defrauding Social Security. 

      So at least the investigation with SSI is finally totally over. And you can view the letter from SSI saying that their doctors said that they find me to still disabled and free of any fraud by clicking "HERE"

      And the media is also finally letting the general public know I have been cleared of fraud. You can read that article "HERE". Hopefully others will follow suit and restore my name for being honest and transparent. 

       As for the FBI's and the Attorney General's investigation, thier investigation is done. However when the press calls to hear the same thing, they tell them "We can't discuss that". And since neither agency has sent me any paperwork saying I was found innocent besides verbal, I don't have any actual paperwork to say I was cleared. But at least SSI sent me their form. So that's something. 

      But apparently Coburn seems to feel there has to be SOMETHING. Him and many others still refuses to accept that I am following the rules. They feel even though I didn't defraud SSI, that I should still be cut off anyway. Why? Because I role play as a baby to relax, as a hobby, and you don't like it? That's not a reason to cut someone off of benifits just because you don't like what I do to relax. Everyone has a hobby they do to relax, and this is mine. 

       Also, if you look over SSI paperwork, a portion of the benifits are allowed to be spent on "entertainment". Since I don't go see movies and such, I would spend it on being AB. But since after bills I only have about $10.00, there really isn't money for entertainment. But thankfully the recycling of bottles and cans every few months covers my AB stuff I want. So people can't even complain that SSI money is spent on AB stuff. 

        And for some reason Coburn and many others feels only people who work a job and pay taxes are allowed to have a hobby or do anything fun. That if your on disability or something, all you can do is simply exist and nothing else. That’s not right. Especially since I pay for my AB fun through taking bottles and cans to the recycling center. I don’t even use my disability money on anything AB. I could, under the "Entertainment" amount of my SSI check. But Although I could, I don't. 

      Personally I think Coburn just doesn’t like the fact that I role play as a baby and so he wants to see me punished some how to make HIM feel better when in reality I have done nothing wrong. And in the end, my life has been turned upside down. Accused for something I didn't do with not a shred of proof. Just his gut feeling. And with the press not saying anything about me being cleared, everyone nation wide still thinks I am guilty. And that's not right. 

     The worst of everything has got to be Sandra's passing. After that, I just don't care if Coburn's little crusade is ever over. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and that's enough for me. Aside from this letter, I am done trying to defend myself. 

     If people think I am guilty, fine. If you believe me, I am glad. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life trying to defend myself to every single person over something I didn't do all because one man THINKS I did it. Even Coburn didn't have any proof of me defrauding SSI. I don't think it's right for someone's life to be turned upside down, and the public made to believe someone is guilty of something as horrible as SSI fraud with no proof what so ever besides a Congrasmans "feelings". 

     I also don't think it's right that my best friend Sandra had to spend the last 3 months of her life being accused of something she didn't do. Having her family and 3 kids seeing her accused on the nightly news of something she didn't do. Having her worry if she would have her SSI or even a place to live when she got out of the hospital broke my heart to see. To see her worrying so much. Totally unneeded stress. 

     I wonder how Coburn would like it to have someone accuse one of his family members of some kind of fraud or something on their death bed that they didn't do. To make sure it's nice and public for the whole country to see. It's fucked up is what it is. 

     And now that we were cleared, he couldn't even so much as say sorry for all the trouble he caused. He don't care. And someone so heartless has no place in government. He isn't even man enough to admit he was wrong. 

      It's just wrong, and Coburn should be ashamed of himself. If the SSI fraud was true, then fine. But it wasn't. Two people had their lives turned upside down, and their reputation destroyed all because one man, with no proof accused me and Sandra of defrauding SSI. 

     Right now, all I care about is making it through one more day without my best friend. But yea, that’s all the details that happened with the Taboo show, Coburn and SSI’s investigation. 

     And if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask them. My personal e-mail is As I said before, I have nothing what so ever to hide and welcome anyone's questions. If your curious about anything, feel free to write me. And sooner or later Coburn will figure that out too. Take care.